Calling All Expert Breastfeeding Moms!!

Jaelyn will be 2 weeks old on Tuesday of this week. Making the adjustment from one kid from two kids has been quite a trip! I had several concerns about how Jackson would react to having a sibling and how he would react to ME dividing my attention between him and another child. The first jealous reaction Jackson had was actually when we were still in the hospital. However, it wasn't towards me - it was towards my husband. Paul was holding Jaelyn and immediately Jackson perked up and ran to him, "Baby Down, Daddy - Baby Down!" Thankfully that was the last we saw of that. Now, he will ask one of us to put the baby down only if he wants something that requires our assistance. Over all, he is adjusting very well. The first time he saw me nursing Jaelyn, he acted concerned. He wasn't quite sure what he was looking at and I explained that Jaelyn gets her milk from mommy, just as Jackson gets his milk from the frig :P He was a little freaked out at the breast pump - but who isn't the first time they see how that works?!? RIGHT?

Nursing has been a difficult task for Jaelyn and I. Jackson and I were slow learners as well, but I don't recall the uncomfortableness lasting this long with him. I guess I wrongly assumed that this time would be easier since I had breastfed one baby already. Sure I knew the positions and how to correctly get her to latch on - but in the end, she's still a different baby and nursing is a learned skill for some. Jaelyn nursed perfectly right after being born. But the next morning was a different story. Because of her jaundice, I attempted to fed her even during her sleepy states just to encourage more poopy/wet diapers. A few things I have learned: 1) Babies in high risk bilirubin levels are even more sleepy than normal newborn babies. 2) Trying to breastfeed a very sleepy baby will tear your nipples apart!!

Needless to say, after 4 days of my good intentions to get more colostrum/milk in her system - my poor boobs were in sad shape. I was prepared for this ahead of time and started wearing nipple shells right away to prevent friction from my bra. That did heal alot! I tried nipple shields and they weren't for me. I was advised to see a lactationist the day after we were released from the hospital. She had concluded that my nipples were so badly damaged that I could no longer tell the difference between a proper and improper latch. From what she saw, Jaelyn was latching on correctly. But I was still in so much pain, didn't help that the swelling made it nearly impossible for her to stay on the breast. The consultant told me to pump and bottlefeed for a few days to allow time for my breasts to heal. So I did that from Friday afternoon to Monday night when I felt I was healed enough to try again. During that time however, I was miserable! I absolutely hated pumping every 3 hours. I was still very swollen so I had to pump each breast one at a time because I needed to do compressions to help express the milk. Come Monday - my body was used to completely emptying my breastmilk every 3 hours. This was a problem because when I started breastfeeding her again - I would be lucky if she was drinking 25%-50% of my supply. Within 30 mins after her feedings, I was painfully full again. This is slowly getting better - but often times I still have to pump out milk either at the end of the feeding (because she didn't take enough to comfortably soften my chest,) or in the beginning of the next feeding to soften it enough to get her latched on. My breasts haven't been completely emptied since those days of pumping and bottlefeeding. So I assumed that my body would get the point by now and stop producing SO MUCH. Maybe all these issues are completely normal and you all are reading this thinking, "Yeah April - THAT's breastfeeding!!" But I just don't remember it being like this with Jackson. I don't recall it taking so long to regulate the appropriate amount of milk to produce.

Am I just extremely impatient?

Do you remember having to express after each feeding (still at 2 weeks) to make yourself comfortable?

Did you ever find yourself pumping off a little before the feedings?

After any initial nipple damage was healed and your baby was latching on appropriately, was the first few mins of nursing still extremely painful? I find that even when I'm not engorged, the first few mins of her proper latch on are painful - like "take my breath away" painful. This does subside and go away after a few mins. My nipples are NOT getting damaged, so I know her latch is correct.

Is your let down painful? I have read that some women don't even know their milk is letting down. I feel my let down all the time, it feels like my boobs are exploding from the inside out! It's even more painful when I am already really FULL -

I am on a prescription for vasospams. Know what that is? Blood constriction of the nipples - the nipples turn white and even blue when the blood can not flow back. Those symptoms of the condition isn't the problem. What's bad is the intense crushing sensation in my nipples. It feels like they are being pinched - OUCH! This comes after each feeding and after I take a shower - any time I feel cold. It's horrible! I dealt with this condition for about 5 weeks with Jackson because I didn't know it wasn't normal. This time I asked for the prescription while still in the hospital. The medicine doesn't stop the constriction or color change, but it does take the pain away... thank goodness something does. When I would breastfeed Jackson at night, I would crawl back into bed with a heating pad on my chest to keep me warm and help the pain.

I am a sad case! I am envious of mother's who are able to easily breastfeed their babies. I am jealous of those babies who just catch on so easily. I wish I was a graceful breastfeeding mom who would confidently nurse my baby whereever I wanted. I still need a third (maybe 4th) arm while I nurse.

I hate that it sounds like I am whining and complaining about these problems. Breastfeeding isn't easy for me!

I would really be encouraged if I could hear your stories. Can you share with me your troubles and how you solved them?

I need to hear that I am not the only mother who has troubles breastfeeding.

37 weeks and thoughts

37 weeks 4 days   *sigh*

One word: uncomfortable

My appointment went well today.
2-3 cm dialated
70% effaced
-2 station

So she isn't engaged yet, and hasn't moved down since last week. I have gained a pound and half since last week, probably all of the tootsie rolls I have been snacking on. I bought a huge variety bag from Sams Club to fill Jax's pinata - and I shouldn't have opened it already :P

I tested positive again for GBS. No surprise there, I figured I would. Basically that means that I need to be at the hospital within 30-45 mins if my water breaks OR need to be there early enough during active labor to get 2 doses (4 hours apart) of antibiotics to prevent transmission to the baby. Well, with Jackson - I only received 1 full dose and they started the 2nd dose early because I was already 9cm by then.

With him:
5pm - started contractions after being stripped for the 2nd time at my 39 week appt.
8pm - omitted into the hospital
1am - delivered Jax

So my labor and delivery was pretty fast. I pushed for only 40 mins and that was delayed because my doctor wasn't there yet. I have concerns this time around because my doctor said that second deliveries almost always go much faster. How am I suppose to get to hospital with at least 4-5 hours of laboring time to ensure I get the 2 full doses of antibiotics... if this delivery is going to go faster than my first? I am worried that I won't have enough time to administer the antibiotics. Basically - if I even THINK that I am in labor - I need to get in the car. At 38 weeks with Jackson, when I was stripped the 1st time I went into laboring contractions 2 days later. I went to the hospital to be checked out, spent 3 hours there before being sent home. While it was a pain (and truthfully sad to be sent home) - I can't take the chance this time to either "wait it out at home" to determine if the contractions are the real deal or not.

I am such a planner, list writer, note taker, list REwriter.... having every detail of this event completely at random and not planned ahead .... drives me crazy! I know that in the moment, I go with the flow very well. But it's all the time proceeding that moment where I drive myself nuts making up scernarios just so I can "create a solution" for them and make myself feel like I have a good handle on things.

*sigh*

She'll be here soon.

I am struggling a little bit with knowing that the time is fast approaching when I will say goodbye to my son, kiss his lips and tell him mommy will be home soon. I will climb into the passenger seat of my car, heaving through contractions - thinking that it will be the last time I was with my son - just us 2. I will soon be bringing home a baby and no longer be able to give him my 200% attention. That makes me kinda sad.  I have been taking extra long hugs, extra long looks at him lately. He's my little boy, all I have ever known of being a mother. Soon our time will all change and life will be hectic for a while, but I hope that he will know just how much I love him and that my love will never change.

Project #8 - Nursing Cover / Nursing in Public

My next project was the nursing cover. I followed this tutorial, very simple instructions by the way, and it turned out great, but this was a whole new concept for me.

With Jackson, I never nursed in public. I was never comfortable breastfeeding where others would see me. A big reason for this was because I never became a "graceful nurser". I always felt clumsy when I "pulled it out" and put him to my breast. Plus, when I was at home with my husband I would never wear anything that would conceal the feeding. So attempting to fumble around beneath a cloth just didn't appeal to me. So, never the less - I would also bring an expressed bottle if we in public, or would excuse myself to an empty room if we were at someone else's house.

I began thinking lately about how it always seemed to take me an hour and half just to get ready to leave the house, no matter where I was going. When Jax was an infant, my preparation for a trip out would begin with breastfeeding him at home, then taking another 30+ mins to hand pump for a full bottle to take along. Then I had to restock the diaper bag with fresh burp cloths, bibs, diapers etc. Then I would change him and finally we would leave the house. So this lead me to think - is it really going to be like that again with our daughter? Only this time - I will have an impatient toddler begging for us to JUST LEAVE ALREADY!

When I wasn't feeding or holding Jackson (infancy again here), it was an opportunity for me to pump and store milk. Whether that milk would be used for a trip out of the house, to be used with cereal/baby food or just stored in the freezer, it didn't matter. I spent way too much time HAND pumping with my son. Remember this photo?

My reasoning behind that was I wanted my milk to carry him along until he could take whole milk. I didn't want to first breastfeed, then convert to formula, and finally transition to whole milk. But I had never breastfed before and I didn't know how long I would handle doing it or how long my supple would last. So I pumped as much as possible while I knew my supply was good and strong.

Well, this time I am armed with a good 10 months of experience. I had conquered the initial 2 weeks of cracked and bleeding nipples, lots of tears from feelings of failed mothering and countless clogged ducts included one bout with mastitis. So this time I know what I am capable of. I was thankful that I had pumped and stored all that milk, but I also realize now that I don't need to be that obsessive about it. With this new baby, I don't want to take EVERY opportunity I have to pump and store - rather I want to take EVERY opportunity I have to play with my son.

And so comes the need for - the nursing cover. I feel as though I will be more comfortable to nurse in public this time around. This way I won't have to spend so much time pumping for a bottle just to leave the house. Don't get me wrong - I will still be pumping and storing, just not to the extent as I did with my son.

Then I took a little bit fo the extra fabric and make a newborn head band.

She Has A Name...

That's right. We have had a name picked out for a while (as many of you pieced together on my Wooden Letters project. I came across this name in a baby name book and really liked it. It wasn't at all what I thought I was looking for, so I was quite surprised at how much the name stuck out to me. I like girl names that start and/or end with A, L and have Y instead of I in the spelling. But once I saw this one, I pretty much stopped searching further.

I have been reluctant to share her name because of its sense of permnant-ness once everyone knows. I do feel pretty confident that her name won't be changed, but we didn't decided Jackson's name until I needed to fill out the birth certificate after delivering. I suppose I wanted to hold onto a "little surprise" at his birth. Since we already knew he was a boy, I still wanted to have a moment to look at his little face and see which name fit him best. With this pregnancy, we don't even have another name still in the running.

Jaelyn will have her paternal grandmother's name - for her middle name. We honored my little brother by naming our son Jackson Adam, and so it was only fitting to honor another family member when naming Jaelyn.

I also thought that by sharing her name here on my blog, I may actually begin to use her name before she arrives. It's a different feeling to hear myself USE her name already, before she's even here. I still call her "Baby Girl" and refer to her as "our daughter", rather than call her Jaelyn. Possibly that's because I never had a name to call Jackson before he was born. Regardless, I think it might be good for Jax to get acquainted with her name before she comes - maybe that will help him a tiny little bit as we attempt to prepare him.

Balancing Act

As I am about to venture within the remaining 10 weeks of my pregnancy, I have become consumed with thoughts about my son. It really worries me to think about how he will react to the new baby. He will point to my belly when I ask him, "Where is your baby sister?". He will even want to kiss my belly sometimes. But he can't possibley understand the inevitable truth about what it means when baby comes out.

For almost 2 years, he has been my only child. Attending to him and raising him has been the only job description I have held since he was born. That is all he knows of how this mother/child relationship works. He has my full on sole attention throughout the day. When he asks for my help, he needn't wait more than a few minutes until I complete my task at hand. He is used to being the only occupant of my lap. The relationship and trust that has been established means everything to him AND I.

How is that going to change when I bring home our daughter?

From his point of view, he will say goodbye to mommy and daddy for a day or two and they will come back with a little noisy, attention hogging baby. Another child. Another little being that will be sharing mommy's lap. Will he resent me? Will he demand ALL of my attention? Will he be completely indifferent? My biggest fear is the first reaction. When he stays by his grandparents for a few days, it takes him a while to be affectionate with me again. He will greet me upon pick up, but than continue on playing as if I weren't there at all. If he begins to resent me for bring home a baby sister, and turns from me only to land within his father's arms - I will be heart broken. Thankful that he finds trust and comfort in his daddy, but saddened that he won't want anything to do with me. How long will that take to go away? We will have family here to help make the initial transition smoother - by giving him the same amount of attention that he is used to receiving (if only as a distraction at first to the new baby). They will also attend to the baby in ways they can, so that I can have free time to play with Jax. But when everyone leaves and it's just him, me and baby sister - will he feel adjusted yet? He will have to learn to wait a whole lot longer for my one on one attention. How do I keep it fair to him and have the baby "wait" while I am busy with him?

Demanding my sole attention and rejecting the baby's presence will be just as hard to deal with. Jackson will be just shy of 2, not yet in control of all his body movements - how hard and rough he can be. He knows what "nice touches and gentle means" but babies are extra sensitive. How do I handle nursing the baby when he wants to sit on my lap? Will I be constantly saying, "You can't sit here now, sweetheart. I have to feed your baby sister, we will play after she's all done." Will he feel like I am constantly rejecting him? Already he is being forced to give up over half his time with me and I couldn't bare to think that I would make him feel even more rejected.
From my point of view, I will be saying goodbye to my son on the eve of delivery after spending all my waking moments with only him - and bring back another child who demands all of my attention in a different way - but the only thing that will give, is my time with my son.

Have any of you had this obsessing thought before your second child arrived? I have been reading up on ways to help "prepare" the older sibling and help get them adjusted easily. But in the end - all those suggestions are for older children (3+) There is little references out there for the older siblings who are only 2.

Please give me your encouraging thoughts and experiences on this topic. I could use some good thoughts!

What's Going On?!?

Been a long time since I have let everyone know what is UP lately! I have been busy! You have seen some of the work I have done with the children's bedrooms, but I have also been pretty busy spending time creating a new scheduling system for our church children's ministry teachers (Carnival (birth - 4K) program). It's been alot of tedious computer work so I haven't been blogging much because I'm not a huge computer person to begin with.

Jackson has become a crazy ACTIVE toddler! I have been reading a few books (one I reviewed here) and have concluded that my son has an "easy going" temperament, but most of the time is an "active toddler". And that is a whole other class of toddlerhood. There's curious and energized... than there's active and unstoppable. My son is the latter! My energy level on the other hand has taken an enormous downhill slide in the last few weeks as I approach the 3rd trimester, so this combination has become a challenge for me.

(Jax's first lawn mower ride)

Most toddlers will venture away from their "secure base" aka mom or dad; but stay within a safe distance in which they feel comfortable. It's a personal limitation set by the toddler that tells them that mom or dad is still near, but also that they are exploring at their own desire. My child has no such distance! Last night at my husband's softball game for example - Jackson constantly ran away from me with no desire to return back. It was not the "Come get me, Mommy" game, because he wasn't even turning around to see how far back I was. When he finally did turn around and saw me, I waved my arm in a "Come this way" motion and started to walk in the opposite direction. This not only showed him that Mommy going the other way, but also added involuntary distance to the gap between us. How did he react? I turned back within seconds to see him continue to run in his own direction. No fears?

I also had a very difficult time keeping him away from the fence where all the players would congregate. My husband specifically said he didn't want Jax touching the fence for a fear of stray balls, well that was a challenge. There were several children there Jax's age and I was the only one running my tail off the whole time. It wasn't the appropriate venue to allow him to explore. I was quite jealous at this other mother (from church) whose little boy sat quietly on her lap the whole time slowly and contently eating goldfish crackers. Twice, I was told "Wow, you have your hands full." from complete strangers. Don't really appreciate those comments. That's their "polite" way of saying that my son is hyper active or that I'm unable to control him.

He has little fear of strangers which makes other's say "He great with new people", but makes a mother lury to let him explore. I have to carry him in the parking lots every time because he will dart away from me so fast. The over powering urge to lay his hand on the tire of the red truck across the aisle is just too much for him to bare. What he struggles with, is that his mind is ahead of his body. He is so go go go - that he is constantly falling down, bumping into things and getting scrapped up. He gave himself his first bloody nose today by turning face first into the spare tire on the back of my suv. His knees are all scrapped up from falling outside. He has a light cut across his face which must have happened during his play.  

(Do you notice the baby acne again?? I can't fingure out where that is coming from, but it has invading his chin and mouth for about 2 weeks now! Don't know how to treat it!)

His listening is better than most toddlers his age, I will give him that. He doesn't listen all the time, and that is usually followed with him continuing to do the wrong action faster or harder as I am on my way to stop him. He is still normally a great eater. Not so much on his variety, but the amount he eats to sustain his high evergy level is good. He doesn't care for veggies, and I will admit that I am not the best at attempting to get much in him anymore. Making three dishes for the same meal just to find something he will eat - isn't my idea of fun. Sometimes mealtimes consist of a glass of milk and a few pieces of fruit. You can't win everytime!

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I am having a very difficult time finding fabric to create the nursery's bedding and window treatment. I have searched JoAnn's twice and Hancock Fabrics once and Hobby Lobby has a poor selection. I did find one today at Hancocks, but the lady at the cutting counter told me (after along unnecessarily confusing explanation) that the fabric wasn't a regularly stocked item and therefore - I couldn't order more nor would they get more in. So when I realized the amount available would only yield a valance and none of the bedding... I was defeated again.

Can anyone help me with this?

Is there a good online seller of fabric or a great national retailer that I would find more luck at? I am not a picky person - I just want to find something that matches the color theme for her room.

Crib and Dresser/Changing Table unit = White

3 walls = light pink, 1 wall = soft green

Accenting colors through the room = deep pink and orange.

I want to find something that accents with the pink and oranges, but also has a bit of the green tone to tie it all together.

I appreciate any direction that I can receive!!

My 1st Day Off in 15 mos. & Vampires

Wow - when my mother had asked if she could take Jackson home with her for a few days... I hesitated at first. I have never been away from him for a full night before (let alone 2 nights). The opportunity hadn't really presented itself where I needed to be without him over night. Of course if there is anyone to take my son where I don't have to be nervous or worry about a thing - it's my mom.

So on Thursday afternoon, I said goodbye to my son as my mom drove away with him. I was more sad than I originally thought I would be. It hit me while we were cuddling on the couch before he left. But Mommy Time is something that every mom raves about, right? So what was I going to do with my time?

I didn't have set plans... but being sick as NOT on my agenda. At yet - here it came... smashing through the door on Thursday morning. It's now Friday and I am not really enjoying myself as I had hoped I would. I slept in laid awake in bed until 9am, then dragged myself out of bed. I just knew I needed to get out of house. If you've read my last few posts - you'll know that I have been physically feeling the effects of cabin fever. I couldn't stay here with a dull body ache and a stuff noses! So I met Paul for lunch (Kleenex box riding shotgun). The frigged cold air actually felt good on my sinuses. After lunch I went to the bookstore. Best decision I could have made! I spent 1.5 hours browsing the bookstore. Before I became a mother, I would spend HOURS walking around the book store.

If you have been to one recently - notice the craze with the vampires? Oh My Goodness! I knew that Twilight was a big thing (read them when they came out), but man - did Stephanie Meyer ever start something!! There were hundreds of "spin off - wanna be Twilight" books stocking the shelves. Long gone are the Nancy Drew days! The teen section was exploding with twisted vampiral love story - fiction novels. Even the adult romance (Smutt novels as I call them) section has been bitten! I seriously think I even saw a vampire shopper! PALE flawless skin, dark high collared long tailored coat... you know the type!

I was a vampire obsessor when vampires weren't cool! LOL That sounds ridiculous, but true. In all this vampire talk lately - how is it that I haven't heard one thing about Anne Rice? Now those novels were ADULT and quite twisted if you ask me. But let me tell you! - Lestat would beat the pants off Edward any day ;) I can see the compelling movement of these new age vampires because they are set in modern day - in modern hometown school, most of them are teenagers and so that grips the identifiable audience. Where as most (not all) of Anne Rice's settings were ancient. They had a wicked flare of fictional history that added to the riveting, intertwined story lines and created a true old fashion, old English environment. If you want a real vampire story - I recommend starting with The Interview With The Vampire! ;)

Still, after 1.5 hours - I left the store with only a baby board book for Jackson. But I don't regret my time spent there at all!

More Please

Jackson's development in the past two months has just been staggering! I am proud to say that after months of mindless sign language, Jax has finally begun to respond to it. If you remember this post, where I was quite distraught over his constant yelling and grabbing on other children... my remedy was "nice touches". I started to show exactly how we touch our friends, by nicely touching their arms - not grabbing onto their clothing and screaming in their face. We also used this reference when it came to our cats..."you must give the kitties nice touches, Jackson" as opposed to pulling their fur. This was the first "sign" we developed. We would ask him , "Jax, how to you give nice touches?" and he would show us my padding his belly nicely. Then we started to ask, "what do we give our friends?" and he would respond with the same sign... nice touches. We no longer have a yelling, grabbing toddler :)

The signing has now extended to the sign for "milk". He actually signs this one (squeezing the utters of a cow) with both hands. Usually he will let me know when he is thirsty by tugging on my pants while I am standing near the frig. But now, he will make the sign when he wants his milk. And taking that a bit further... whenever I would pull his sippy cup out of the frig, I would ask him to "please sit down" on the kitchen floor to drink his milk. Now, I don't even have to ask him! He just plops himself right down when he sees me pull out this sippy cup. It is SO rewarding to see these developments take place and actually see it all "click" in my 14 month old.



He can now sign "more", which we practice a lot at mealtimes. His favorite book right now is Baby's First Words. Watch this video to see how he can recognize some of the photos we have studied. I am trying to get him to say "Choo Choo" in regards to the train. There are train tracks behind the neighbors across the street and it's so fun to watch his excitement and amazement while that train goes through. Now, when we pull his toy train out that makes noises, he starts motioning and babbling towards the window where we watch the train. How cool!!

Where I Belong

I was walking through Walmart the other evening. I wasn't even looking for cards, but as I was walking by that department - I happened to see a card that grabbed my attention.

"Long gone are the days when I carried you in my arms." read the cover of the card displayed with a pair of baby feet on a light blue background. I was forced to open the card, because there had to be something cheerful written within... that cover statement was just too depressing.

"But I will carry you in my heart all the days of my life." read the inside. I think it was a birthday card, but I didn't pay attention to that. I was just so sad when I read that card. Not only is this mother not carrying her baby boy anymore, but those days are so far in the past that they are referred to as long gone. Then I asked myself - "why am I at Walmart at 7:30pm instead of rocking my little boy in my arms, before he falls asleep?" That's where I belonged. Rocking my son in my arms, while I still have him in my arms.

There have been a lot of things weighing heavily on my heart lately. I have prayed. I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted and yet it is only the beginning. I am not ready to write about them yet. So I fear that while I have been absent from here for a while - it may continue to be that way for a little while longer.

The Things I Wish For You

My baby boy is almost one year old....

There are many things that I wish for you Jackson. There are many things that I want to teach you, and many more that I want you to develop on your own.

I want your faith in God to be strong and steadfast. I want you to believe his Grace is your only way to everlasting life. I want you to build a personal relationship with Jesus starting in your childhood and lasting through your whole life. I want you to make your decisions based on your beliefs and values. I want you to find comfort in God's words and guidance in his teachings. His love is unconditional and his Grace is sufficent, lean on him. I want you to lead by example and show others to way to salvation.

I want you to find peace in prayer. Hope will keep your heart going when all else seems to be weighing you down.

I want you to learn that a true friend will not judge you by your mistakes and will not abandon your side. Stay in touch with those close friends because "a friend is a friend forever, if the Lord is the Lord of them."

I want you to be able to trust your parents and know that their intentions are always for your best interest. I want you to feel the strong connection that your parents hold with you because you are our child. I want you to know that you gave your mother a purpose on this earth.

I want you to be able to read people while still having compassion and consideration. I want you to be open but cautious as to not put your family in harms way.

I want you to have a giving heart that puts others before your own desires. I want you to give more than you receive, that is where the true gift lies.

I want you to be slow to speak, and even slower to anger. Forgiveness is one of God's greatest gifts, listen to his wisdom and do not hold on to resentment.

I want you to respect your body as a created image of God's likeness. Be mindful about what goes into your body, and be more mindful about what goes into your thoughts.

I want you to be fulfill your dreams and make a life worth living for, have love that you can be proud of and a faith that will inspire you.

I want you to learn the respect of a woman and know how to respect a woman. I want you to open doors for the ladies and pull their chairs, be a gentleman. I want you to know how to dance with a woman, because every woman deserves to be led in a dance.

And when you are grown and have created a life of your own, when you have found a god fearing woman to spend your days with, when you have started a family and begun to watch your children grow in love... don't forget to give your mother a call on Sunday afternoons.

I love you, sweetheart. You are more than I could ever have imagined you to be.

Always My Baby Man

On of my many projects to complete before we have company for jackson's first birthday is to finish our master bath. I am ashamed to admit that since we never decorated this bathroom, we never even had a decorative shower curtain hanging... just the cheap vinyl one :P


So I spend all of Jackson's nap today painting the trim/edging in the bathroom. I had taped it all yesterday and was going to get further today, until I realized that I didn't have a roller brush. I must have tossed the last one I had. So, it was just me and a paint brush!

A song came on the radio while I was painting. I don't listen to much country music these days so I decided to flip that on the radio. This particular song played a lot while I pregnant and I liked it at first, then was just over played.

"You're Gonna Miss This" By: Trace Adkins

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice placeShe says
It'll do for nowStarts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own. One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

The part of the song that used to get me, was the second verse. Where the Dad is telling his daughter not to rush into starting a family. To just relax and enjoy being a married couple, just the two of them. When I was pregnant, I never once felt sad for the time we would no longer have as "just us two", but the idea had to settle... that in fact there would never be "just us two" any more.

But today as I heard the song, it wasn't the second verse that choked me up, this time it was the third verse. I was standing on top of the bathroom counter trying to paint where the wall met the ceiling, singing out loud and crying.

As Jackson's birthday is coming up in two weeks, I find myself thinking a lot about him as a baby. It wasn't long enough. I am going to miss these times. I will miss everything about it. All the bad things now that I wish would move on... I will wish I still had 10 years from now. This year went by way too fast for my comfort. I feel like once I finally get a handle on something... it changes! I get comfortable with a routine and Jax goes ahead and grows out of it. The plumber in the song still calls his 36 & 23 year olds "babies". And that breaks my heart.

Jackson will be 12 months in 12 days, he isn't a baby anymore. But this little man, no matter how old he is, will always be my Baby Man.

Putting It All Out There...

The talk of baby number two has been around our house for quite awhile. Paul and I knew from the start that we wanted to have our children close in age (who doesn't, right?) We had discussed our desire to start trying again when Jackson turned one year old. That time is fast approaching!

I had stopped breastfeeding Jackson when he turned 10 months, and was expecting my cycle to start up again shortly after. It actually took 5 weeks to start up again. I was anticipating this dreadful period full of heavy flow, horrible cramps and long lasting... thankfully, it was none of that.

So this was perfect. I had two months to allow my body to regulate itself so we would be ready to start trying. Well, I started tracking my ovulation after that first period on day 12. (A normal 28 day cycle = ovulation around day 14). Day 12 - no ovulation. Day 14 - no ovulation. Day 18 - no ovulation. Day 20 - no ovulation. I began ovulating on Day 22! My goodness, that means this first cycle is a whopping 44 days long!! At least that's how I am calculating it.

This has been weighing my mind for months now and I was never sure to publish it or not... so I just decided to go ahead and let it loose...

Now, if any of you know me, or have read my stuff before, you will know that my desire to have a little girl is no secret. So many couples have trouble trying to conceive a child, and here I am trying to create my own destiny. I have never asked God for a baby girl. I would never do that. He knows my heart, he knows my desires. I feel horrible that I have this strong need to mother a baby girl, when many couples have yet to be blessed with a child. I am being extremely presumptuous to think that I will get pregnant as fast as we did the first time. I suppose because that's all I know, I just figure it will happen that way again... how ignorant!

There are just so many things to experience that are unique to the mother of a daughter. Most of them are selfish on my part. Dressing your little girl in all things girly, taking her shopping for a prom dress, being there while she plans her wedding, being the Mother of the Bride, being there through her pregnancies. In most cases - a woman is going to confide in her own mother before approaching her mother in law.

Like I stated in the beginning, I know God has my life written down in stone. He knows the decisions I will make, the mistakes I make and the life I will lead. He already has my family picked out and He knows if I will have a daughter in my life. If I know all this, why do I still feel the need to create my own future? Is it wrong to take simple theoretical actions to greater my chances of having a daughter? By this, I mean trying to conceive on specific days around ovulation to try and manipulate the process, (hence needing a regular period) eating certain foods to change the pH levels in my body and using appropriate positions to sway the outcome. I would never do anything medically (if that even exists) to try for a certain gender. I don't know if it perfectly fine to try these techniques (since they aren't going to persuade God's Will), or if it's wrong of me. I know it is a moot point, but why do I have a strong urge to just try? Does that mean that I don't really believe His Will be done? If feel like I am telling Him, "I know you have a plan for me Lord, but if you would just me try this one little thing..." And there He is, folding his arms across his chest, shaking his head saying, "Oh, you poor poor child. Why do you have such little faith?" And yet, I find myself coming back to the same thing... if I could just make my own attempt to have a baby girl. And if I have another son (whom I adore to the highest of Heaven), then I will know that I wasn't meant to be. And I will love God for giving me another son and I will love my new baby boy much as I love my son.

Why do I feel this way? If I am feeling guilty about these desires, does that mean that it probably isn't right?

I am so taken over by this. I wrote the majority of this post back in May 2009. I still don't know if making my selfishness public to everyone is a good thing or not. I am torn. Please don't judge me.

Love & Affection

Thank you all for commenting on my recent post "Inside the Minds of Children". If you inquired about receiving the Social and Emotional Development Chart to help you understand your child's agenda, I will be emailing those to you later today!!

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With all of the new adventures and obstacles that have been recently laid before me when it comes to Jackson's development, an increase in affection was not one that I was expecting.


It all started with this post. I was overwhelmed and overjoyed at how Jax laid his head on my shoulder while I sang to him before bedtime. I was also given several kisses while I sang and could't' stop crying over it. Since then, Jackson reaches for his blanket everytime I pull him out of his crib. Can you believe I actually get about 5 mins of snuggle time after each nap? Just Jax, me and his blanket. If I am able to grab Mr. Froggie or Duckie, I am likely to get about 10 mins. Jackson tolerates this time very well, just sitting quietly on my lap. He likes to feel the soften of the blanket and run his fingers along the satin edges. This is something that Paul remembers doing as a child with his blanket. He said it always relaxed him before falling asleep.


Jackson's blanket seems to be first thing that I have seen him build an attachment to. After our soothing time before each nap (which oddly enough for quite a while was "tickle time". When Jackson turned 8 months, he started crying each time I took him into his dark nursery. So I turned our quite rocking time into singing tickle time and he grew to love that. He would start giggling before we even sat in the rocker. He never cried once after he was in a good mood for his nap.) But now, he seems to be like the soft singing before naps again. So now, I lay him down and snuggle his blanket up to his cheeks. He turns his head to it and starts to root (yes, root) into the blanket's soft material. How would have thought their 11 month old could still root!


I just love this quiet time after each nap. It doesn't last long, but I am so happy that he is starting to like my company again. He was wild to get away from me shortly after I stopped breastfeeding several weeks ago and we hadn't shared much closeness since. Thankfully, that is changing.

I will be sharing some photos from our trip to the Apple Orchard real soon!! Yay - More Photos!!

Inside the Minds of Children

As many of you have read my latest post "No Means No", you probably picked up on a bit of my dismay. I am happy to receive so much good feedback from the many of you who have been there before. This mothering thing came pretty natural to me, but this parenting thing is a whole new cup of soup! My son has lately been testing his boundaries (or my boundaries). He is now 11.5 months old. Last month, anytime I would say "Jackson, please don't play with that. Come here, sweetie" he would slowly turn away from the non toy and crawl to me. He listened SO well. That short period of time was over before I knew how good I had it!

Discipline in any sense of the word, does not come naturally to me. This is my first child, I have so much to learn. I don't have confidence when I am trying to stop Jackson from doing something. Everyone in their comments said something to effect of "Say what you mean and Stand by it! Don't back down". I know, I know - even Dr. Phil says "As a parent, pick your battles. But when you get into it, don't EVER lose!"


Most of the things I spoke about in my last post, were incidents where Jackson could not resist exploring that which are NOT toys. I was saying "No no Jackson. That's owies!" or "Jackson, please don't play with that. That is not a toy". After having a lengthy discussion with my brother, I found that these two phrases were likely to get me no where. If you read my "Kreativ Blogger" post, you were introduced to my brother, Brian.

Erikson College - Featured Master Student Profile
Augustus H. Burley Elementary School Pre K program

Brian helped me to understand exactly what a child of Jackson's age is capable of understanding. Why do I feel that Jackson does understand my commands and just chooses to defy them? His facial expressions and the fact that when I come over to stop him, he proceeds to become more aggressive with his actions. Turns out there is a reason for that.

Although my brother and his wife are not yet parents, Brian has a very deep understanding about what is going on in a child's head. This information has helped me change my approach with Jackson. Now that I know what HE is thinking, it will allow me to help him achieve his desires in a safe, successful, (hopefully) less confusing manner.

Here is the outline of the information that my brother provided me with and I want to invite everyone to take a look at it. I believe you will find it interesting, and hopefully find useful suggestions. I did a little extra comments in (in italics) to through in my two cents.

A) Exhibiting undesired behaviors
B) The concept of a toy
C) Concept of NO and negative reinforcement
D) Development of self-initiated social engagements
E) Repetition of values/rules/expectations
F) Understanding the infant perspective


A) Exhibiting undesired behaviors
It appears that Jackson is frustrating you in some of his choices. It sounds like you are diligently trying to get him to understand that certain things are toys and and certain things are not. It is important to remember that Jackson is rapidly acquiring skills: socially, emotionally, and cognitively. Much of how he acquires these skills is through the exploration of the environment around him. For example, Jackson-sitting in his high chair playing (keyword: playing) with his food and dropping/throwing it on the floor, essentially is Jackson exploring various textures and the cause and effect of what happens when he drops or throws items. Considering this, at his age, he is not doing this to defy you. It sounds like some of the looks/grimaces/facial expressions that he gives you may tell you otherwise, I will address that later....

B) The concept of a toy
It is important for Jackson to eventually learn what is okay to play with and what it not. At his age, and until the age of 2-3, these concepts will continue to develop. At this point, Jackson does not understand the concept of a toy: an item that you play with. Considering this, Jackson also does not understand the concept of what play is. --He may do it very well, but he does not "know" his is playing per se. When you find him playing with things that are not toys..... (move to C)

C) Concept of NO and negative reinforcement
Jackson may better understand the concept of "NO", if you firmly use the word "Stop" with the sign language signal to accompany it. You may provide a simple explanation to help him become familiar with reasons why we don't play/touch things ..but remember those extended concepts will not completely resonate for some time. More on the use of the word "NO".. The cognitive capacities of very young children make it difficult to understand the word no (negative) and attaching it to an action, often times they ignore the word completely. For example, if you shout to Jackson, "NO biting!" He may only hear the word biting. Knowing this, when I speak to my students, I always frame rules or redirection statements to what they can do--for example: instead of "no hitting"!, I would say, "We use safe (or gentle hands), our hands can hurt others when we do that."
Brian and I later discussed (as said up above), that an explanation like this would not be appropriate for a child Jackson's age. Rather, using a word like "Hot" to explain the reason why the actions are unsafe.

D) Development of self-initiated social engagements
Jackson has recently learned that YOU are not the only one who can initiate a social interaction, for example "SO big!" or "Give me a kissie!" He has learned that he can initiate interactions with you--and this may be him biting on the side of his crib--he has learned that he will illicit a reaction from you if he does this (whether it's positive or negative, it doesn't matter to him--he doesn't understand the difference). Additionally, as he begins to experience a bit of control of these social interactions, he will quickly become frustrated when his abilities do not allow him to convey this intentions...as a result, a temper tantrum, fit, etc. I know that the easiest thing is to give in to these tantrums (which I of course understand you have no choice but to give in), but the best thing to do is to allow them to occur and wait them out. When you give in to them, he begins to learn that this form of interaction will satisfy his wants --instead of learning more appropriate strategies: pointing, speaking, etc
Situations like these in the house are much easier to deal with than when in public. That is more my concerns. Being a new mom and having an unhappy child in public is a whole NEW concept. I used more common sense the next I went to the store to prevent a checkout tantrum. I didn't pull my wallet (obsession #1) out on my purse, I grabbed my credit card from within my purse and the wallet never needed to be seen. Same with the keys (obsession #2), I just unlocked the car from inside my purse and never pulled them out where Jackson could see them. A fit never occurred! Easy enough... do I get the Mom of the Year award yet? :P

E) Repetition of values/rules/expectations
It is important to remember that all children very young through age 8 will need to be told to do things more than once--especially when they are under the age of 5. They do not have the capacity to delay gratification or control their impulses, so--telling a child "I've told you three times now,...!" or "I've already told you..."--does not do much for the child except disrespect their development. SO, continue to repeat your expectations to him over and over again, knowing that it's what he needs--eventually they will resonate and he will begin to abide by them.

F) Understanding the infant perspective
Hopefully the above info has helped you understand Jackson's perspective a bit. Within parenting, there are several "Parent agendas" and several "Infant Agendas" It is important to understand both of them and to find ways to match them up to help the both of you. The more you understand what is going on in his head (lol), the more you can help facilitate his development socially, emotionally, cognitively, and physically.

This a chart that describes said Infant/Parent Agendas for child 7-18 months of age. I also have charts available for 18-36 mos. & 3-6 yrs. If anyone is interested in obtaining a copy of this, please just let me know and I will certainly get you a copy! I realize this is a little hard to read, being so small.

I hope this was useful for everyone. I wanted to thank my brother for taking the time to help a sista out! :)

Jackson's latest - grabbing the clothes of other children, stretch his neck long, staring them in the eyes and yelling at the top of his lungs. Charming! Uncle Brian - gotta anecdote for that one? ;)

Coming Home From The Hospital

As my son's 1st birthday draws near, I will be taking the time to write a few posts about what this year has been like for me. And so it continues...

Jackson and I were released from the hospital on Friday morning. We video taped getting Jax dressed in his real baby clothes for the first time. He was chilly, so small and I remember putting baby lotion on his tiny dried out feet. I put him in his adorable fleece bear suit (which was ENORMOUS on him). We walk (I wobbled) down the long corridor to where Paul would pull up the car. It was a gloomy, dark nonwelcoming morning. I stood in the foyer between the automatic doors with Jackson in his car seat at my feet. He had started wailing at this point and all I could do was rock his car seat with my foot because I couldn't even bend over.

Once we were sure we had the baby secured in his seat base, I did something that I always said I would never do. I climbed in the back seat with him. Before having my son, I would see one parent "chauffeuring" the other parent while they sat in the back with the baby. I guess I used to feel that it was the parent who needed that more than the baby. Of course my husband had to comment on my hypocrisy at that very moment and I remember telling him that the ride home from the hospital was an exemption! Well, that became the FIRST of my exemptions. I do ride in the back seat on the occasion that we need Jax to stay awake until we get home in his crib to fall asleep.

We came home to an empty house and placed Jax down on the floor to allow our cats a good smell of the new addition to our family. Paul immediately left us to make a prescription run for me and I did my best to stay awake. I had Jackson at 1:09am on Wednesday morning, so I didn't sleep at all that first night/morning. And I never got any good sleep when I had to nurse the baby about every 2 hours. And we all know how much a production nursing is the very first time you do it, it would take about 45min - 1 hr just to feed him. I had to hoist my severely swollen bottom onto the doughnut ring, position the boppy around me, move the hospital tray out of the way, be handed the baby and try to position him correctly, attempt to get him to latch on and STAY on, choke back the pain from my cracked, sore nipples, breathe through the uterine contractions that breastfeeding brought on. After what seemed like forever, I would pass him back to Paul. Then it was time to gather myself and make the embarrassing wobble to the bathroom while attempting desperately to hold everything that was between my legs. Another side note: my nurses made me an actual diaper filled with ice. They would cut the lining of a huggies diaper and stuff ice chunks in it and tape it back up. Because those hospital grade "twist to activate freeze pads" were completely useless, I had my nurses pack my room freezer full of these diaper/ice packs. Wonderful thing if you were destroyed down there like I was :)

AH... back to my going home story. When Paul finally arrived home, I practically crawled in our bed for a long overdue nap. I had just fed the baby so I had about 3 hours to sleep if I was lucky. I had the BEST nap of my life! I was in the deepest sleep you could imagine! It was wonderful. When I woke up, I noticed a very unfamiliar sensation. Then I realized my milk had came in while I was napping. It was ridiculous, Ladies!! Unlike anything I had ever expected. Does this picture sound like any of you shortly after you came home from the hospital?... standing in the shower laughing about all the places you were leaking? Of course I was still draining from the delivery, my boobs were out of control dripping, I was crying for probably a million different reason... it was a mess! I was a mess! I always found it funny how little detail I had received about what delivery/labor would really be like... I had received even less about post partum recovery! UGH! No one had painted that pretty little picture for me beforehand :)

Those first few days were very odd to me. My husband and I would look at Jackson, totally in awe at what God had given us and completely head over heels in love with him. I had followed my hospital chart for feedings/changings... I wasn't in tune to Jax's cues yet as he was my first child and I couldn't recognize a hungry cry from a bored cry. I had previously blogged about my breastfeeding woes, so I won't go there again. We had the baby in our room at night for about a week and half before Paul couldn't do it anymore. He is such a light sleeper and wasn't getting any sleep at night... he was working and needing to be rested. So when Jackson was only a few weeks old, he went into his crib. That first night I cried as I watched Jackson sleeping from the LCD monitor.

Realizing now, since my son is mobile, those really early weeks/months when all he really did was sleep or lay in his bouncy seat- were so easy! I should have been a lot more relaxed. I should have slept a lot more during the day. All I really did was feed/change/talk to him. Now he's crawling all over the house, I have to say "Please give that to Mommy, that's not a toy" - "Jackson, no touch - owwwaaa, no no sweetie!" LOL Ah the days when all he did was sit there :). I know I will be much MUCH more laid back with the next baby. I will have confidence to know that if I do fall asleep with the baby in the room, I will wake up to hear him cry. I will have confidence to know which cry is signalling which desire. I will have confidence to know that I am providing for my child in every way possible and that she :) is happy and content... there is nothing more I should be doing.

A Year Ago This Month

As my son's first birthday draws near, I will be taking the time to write a few posts of reflection. Recaping what has happened to my life since my son was brought into it. Many of you didn't read my blog back then. I started blogging when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to use this as a way to stay connected with my friends and family. It wasn't until my son was born that I began to explore the world of BlogLand and make new friends here. I have met wonderful people and I have enjoyed reading about all your children, marriages, faith, hardships and joys. I have prayed and cried for many of you. I "fell" into an enormous, gracious christian based community here and I am very thankful to have all of you.

A year ago this month, I was ready to go! (Ok, not ready for the actual labor, but definitely ready to meet my little man!) Being me and my Type A personality, I had my lifestyle set for baby number one by the time my 1st trimester was complete. I had the nursery painted a light spring green (adaptable to a boy or girl) and had the crib set up. I was collecting hand me down clothes and pondering over baby names.

Last September, I was wrapping up my career as a hair stylist in an upscale men's salon. I loved my job. I had met so many great people. I grew alot there. My focus wasn't on God at this point, but I certainly came out of my shell. I learned how to approach people that I didn't know. I learned how to start up conversations with the introverted types and learned how to listen and give advice when asked. I was able to make people feel good about themselves. Giving a new clean haircut was always rewarding for me.

Photo taken 33 weeks pregnant

When I had one month to go in my pregnancy, I stopped working. At this time, Paul and I had already moved to Appleton so I was making a long commute. It was only safe to stay near my hospital in those last few weeks. It was these few weeks that drove me CRAZY. I was at home with nothing to do. Sure, I went to the Y each morning for a good 25 mins of elliptical jogging and stretching. But you can only lay outside in the sun for so long before your pregnant body screams at you to get in the air conditioned house!

I was thankful to never have gotten swollen ankles/legs (despite my 8 hours a day on my feet at work) and I was feeling good. Sitting for too long would hurt my rib cage because they would dig into my enormous uterus. I always wondered where in the world my stomach and intenstines went when my baby got SO big. LOL No wonder heartburn can get so bad!

My mom knew in my last week before Jax arrived that I was in need of some company. She had taken the day off on Tuesday, Oct 21st, the day of my 39 week appt. Her and I spent the day walking at the mall and talking all things baby. She came with me to the OB for my check up and ate dinner with us that night. It this point, I was already contracting and we were on our way back to the hospital within 3 hours from leaving the check up. I had asked my mother if she wanted to be in the delivery room with me. I know this isn't everybody's cup of tea, but this is the way I looked at it... when I found out I was having a boy - I had to take a few moments to "move on" from my thoughts that I was having a girl. I was sad that I wasn't having a girl, but I was NOT unhappy that I was having a boy. (Many of you who have these simliar feelings know exactly what I mean. I have been working on a post about ir for months and haven't published it yet.) Anyways, I knew how much my mother wanted to be there to see the birth of her grandchild, to see her daughter (the child that she created), complete a circle of life by bringing her own baby into in the world. I know I would feel that way if I had a little girl. It's different with a son (more on that in my future said post). I know it meant a lot to her that she was there, I was happy she was there.

This is the beginning of my reflections over that past year. I will not relive Jackson's birth story here, as many of you have read it before :) If you are interested, you can click on the labels off to the right hand side that indicate "Jackson's Birth Story".

At the end of the day...

For the past three days, Jackson has not been himself. Therefore, I have not been myself. I would almost have to believe that this isn't teething behavior, because even his past behavior from teething has not been like this. I suppose as I write this I am saying to myself, "Yeah April, but he's older now too - and teething has different effects at every age." Jackson has been pretty slow with cutting his teeth. He's almost 11 months and only has three chompers.

Jackson has been extremely demanding, fussy, ornary and stubborn. He gets royally ticked with every diaper change, he NO patients at all. If he happens to see that you are making him a bottle, you have T minus 2 seconds to get it in his mouth before he lashes out the demons. Lately, he just isn't as content or flexible as he used to be. He hates his stroller, is bored with his toys, doesn't last longer than 10 mins in a cart, stiffens his body and cries when you get him in his carseat. Some of you may say, "That's just what little kids do". Ok, but how did this switch literally take place in a matter of 2 days? There was absolultely ZERO warning or transition from 'happy content' Jackson to 'releasing all fury' Jackson. I think Paul thought I was exaggerating when I told him the kind of day I had on Friday. At the end of the night however, he got a good taste of it.

At church this morning, we were summoned out of service because he wouldn't stop crying at the Kidz Zone center. He was fine when we dropped him off. He seemed overtired, despite having slept an extra hour and a half in the morning. The childcare lady told me he was putting his down and crying miserabley, wouldn't stop. That's not like him at all! Needless to say, this is all new for me. My son is 10 1/2 months old and has not been sick once. I think we have broken that chain now.

When Jackson gets stressed out, I get stressed out. It is one thing I struggle with. I need to relax when he is getting tense, else his emotions will feed off of mine. When he's upset and wants the bottle, I do what I can to get that bottle ready. I get frustrated and antsy when I want him to sleep on the way home from visiting family and he refuses. Instead, he screams and wails.

At the end of the day today (another LONG day, I took a bath with Jax to let him play and enjoy himself. Looking at him sitting in front of me, his little naked back and his bald head that is finally growing a little hair, I wasn't looking at a baby anymore. His figure from that view was truly a little boy's body. I remember holding him in my arms in the tub trying to get him to splash the water. Now when I hold him, it isn't quite in my arms anymore... it's on my lap. Those little baby feet that have always been my obsession, are getting less pudgey and longer. I remember the days he would grab onto my finger and not let go. Now he wants nothing to do with holding my hands. Seeing these things change saddens me. I have been here every step of the way and yet I feel as though these memories of his babiness will disappear from my mind.

At the end of the evening tonight, while I sat with jackson on my lap in the rocking chair in his room, I sang to him as I have for the past 10 months of his life. Our nighttime routine has varied slightly as he has gotten older, but the singing hasn't changed at all. After he finished his bottle I attempted to turn him around and hold him upright to see if he would lay his head on my shoulder. I rarely succeed at this and if I do, it only lasts for a second or two. But to my amazement, tonight he laid his head on my shoulder while I sang Amazing Grace in his ear and rubbed his back. I let the words flow out of my mouth by memory while my mind drifted. I was standing before my God giving him thanks for this very moment. A moment that defines a mother, holding her child has he surrenders completely in his trust to her. My thoughts were broken when he lifted his head, looked right at me and kissed me on the lips. Then he laid his head back down on my shoulder. I was stunned. I was breathless. I was speechless that my 10 month old son would have thought to kiss his mommy while she held him and sang to him. I have been getting kisses for a couple of weeks now, but only when I ask for them. This was something entirely different. I started crying as I struggled to finish the song. He did the very same thing, 3 more times before I laid him down peacefully in his crib.

At the end of the day, no matter what kind of day it was, Jesus gives us little moments like that. And I am thankful.

Project Breastfeeding: COMPLETE

That's Correct! I have stopped breastfeeding just shy of 10 months! This is a big deal to me because it finally concludes a chapter that lasted 10 months. I have had several ups and downs in the breastfeeding department that have contributed to my many post partum complications. I have just published a post containing all my trials and obstacles of post partum. If you are looking for something to read, I invite you to share in the misery :)

I did not post it as a new post because it is extremely graphic and I want to give people the warning choice to venture forth with the truths on their own.

In the past recent months, I struggled with how I would stop nursing Jackson. I didn't want to be the one to stop doing it if I felt he still depended on that closeness and comfort. Rather, I would prefer it to be his choice to move on. I had a difficult time in the beginning of Operation PUJ because he was not taking the bottle nicely. He would just play with the nipple top and not really be interested in what the bottle offered. However, at the same time he wasn't showing greater interest in the breast either. Over the past 4 weeks, I have slowly started to wean the breast as he has taken to the bottle much better now. When he sees it being prepared, all of the sudden that's the only thing that matters to him. Our very last nursing session, he only gave it 5 minutes and he was done. I felt good about that. He wasn't desiring it like he used to. That told me, we were ready to stop.

But what I have recognized lately, is Jackson's extreme attachment to his dad. When he hears Paul's voice when he gets home - jackson speed crawls to the door and almost starts to hyperventilate, desperate for Paul to pick him up. Then, he won't my husband put him down. When I am holding him - he reaches for Paul. This is bittersweet. I have not idea if the weaning has any part in this sudden attachment for his father or not. But it's great to see Paul's face light up when his son wants to be with him so badly. On the other token - it kind of makes me feel like scraps. I don't like the feeling when Jackson reaches for someone else when I am holding him. Rejection from your 10 month old sucks!

All in all, I put in a wonderful effort to my task at hand. I feel accomplished at it and now jackson will be fed all the expressed milk that I had stored from day one. He is going through the supply faster than I thought and it might not take him quite to 1 year - but we'll just start cow's milk a tad early then :)

Even though this counter will forever say 9 months 4 weeks and 1 day, my son will be 10 months in two days and to me - that says 10 months of breastfeeding!

Blog Hop - Favorite Photo / Make Me Laugh

MckLinky 08-11-09

Favorite Photo

October 22nd, 2008
1:09am

Speechless

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Read With Us - Chapter 4

Join us as we continue reading Lynnette Kraft's In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me.

I think anyone can understand the physical and emotion exhaustion relating to handling so much change in only three years. With having two little ones running the household and dealing with the still very present pain of losing Samuel - Lynnette finds herself pregnant again. I think it would truly be moments like this that you would begin to second guess your decision to let God lead your path, (at least as far as family planning goes). I can see how she could have been quite overwhelmed already and then God has more in store for her - whether she is ready or not.

If you have experienced labor, what was yours like?

Personally, a home birth is not my cup of tea. I actually find comfort in knowing that there is medical intervention if needed. I like that assurance. I know that many woman like the idea of experiencing labor and delivery as it was intended... not this girl! I have no regrets about how I delivered my son. I had intended on receiving an epidural, which I did shortly after arriving to the hospital. I had been experiencing large amounts of back labor, so the epidural really allowed me to relax. I felt that I was totally aware, physically and mentally for what my body was about to do. I still felt a lot of pressure while my son transitioned down, and while I pushed. But for the most part - I was really able to focus. I am also relieved at my preconceived decision to have pain meds because I experienced a horrendous tear (no lady, not the traditional way of 3rd to 4th degree tear here). No - I am referring to an "upward and forward" direction. That's enough - I won't get too into it, it still makes me squemish :) Basically, another reason I will have an epidural with another baby.

It must have been absolutely heartbreaking to find that she was about to lose another child. She and Kyle did have some time to prepare (as much as one could) with the prognosis of Samuel in utero, but this was a different story. They were completely unprepared for the disorder that Josiah presented.

Do you know of anyone whose lives have been impacted by CDH (or has your own)?Josiah's story hits me a bit harder because I also lost a brother to Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. In 1988, my little brother was born and presumed to be a healthy baby. Back then, routine ultrasounds were not performed. Adam was born with a whole in his diaphragm that allowed his abdominal organs to protrude up into his chest cavity. His lungs failed to develop properly as a result and was not able to breathe. I was four years old.

I have only recently spoken to my mother about her experience with losing a child. Speaking in terms of mother to mother, not mother to daughter. I wasn't able to understand the effects of what that experience must have been like... until I had my own son. Everything becomes much more vivid and what ifs start to plague your thoughts... remember last week's discussion on fear? It a wonderful talk with my mother that day. It brought forth many tears, a story too personal to share here because it is not mine to tell.

Click here to read a recent post about Adam and the new advancements on CDH

How do these words spoken by Kyle make you feel?

I think Kyle's words about the coffee cup analogy was a wonderful description. I thought about this again this past Sunday in church when Pastor Brad was talking about "Giving God The Luxury of Time." The topic was James 1:1-18. Pastor Brad said,"The process that God has for you and is doing in your life today, is what will prepare you for the promises that He has for you." God does no look at TODAY as the big picture, just as he doesn't reveal our whole lives to us all at once. It takes time to reveal his plan - the full picture. He looks at end product. If we just give him that time to reveal to us the big picture - we will experience the greatest gifts ever to have been received.

How courageous and awesome that her husband Kyle clung to the work of God and shared everything he could with as many people as he could. Lynnette said herself, "I still wonder today who may have been touched by this supernatural strength God was giving Kyle." How great that God can find the good in everything.

"To live is Christ, to die to gain" - Phil 1:21

During difficult times, where do you find your comfort?

Lynnette found comfort in reading Psalms. I would have to say that since accepting Christ into my life, I haven't experienced real difficult times. I would definitely say that I always understanding and advice in confiding in my mother. She has been there to listen and be a leaning shoulder to me.

Lynnette talked about struggling for along time after losing Josiah. And one thing that I will always marvel at is how God will give a woman/mother strength to continue on for the sake of her family. Lynnette had two children to take of, as well as a husband. She couldn't lay in bed all day, she couldn't shut out the whole world of responsibilities and duty to stay locked up. Certainly there must have been those days in order to grieve, but then the realization would set in - you are needed! You have children that need you. I think this would be one of the hardest things of dealing with grief and having the responsibility of your family.

"If God said to you, 'Lynnette, I am going to give you a son. He won't be with you long. I am only going to leave him with you for five days and then I am going to take him back. But I have a plan. Will you accept this assignment." pg. 72.

What would you say?

Did anyone start bawling when they read that part? I literally shut my book and just sobbed. How so utterly true is that question? on so many levels! First of all, Lynnette absolutely accepts because she would take any assignment if it meant pleasing the Lord. If He asked something of her - she would accept. I completely agree with that. I was feel the same way.

But I have to admit - that wasn't my first reaction. Oh - I would most definitely accept his request of me. But my first thought was a selfish one. My initial response was to say yes - because I would want to know that child. I would want to be affected by that child. I would want to carry that child inside of me. I would want to give that child unconditional love and warming comfort while God allowed him to stay. I would want to be moved and forever changed for having loved and lost that child. Yes - I would choose the pain and sorrow over never having experienced a life such as that. How does the old saying go? "Better to be loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." That's so cliche, but quite fitting... right?

A new, beautiful way of looking at God's lessons and joy through such saddening sorrow.