A Year Ago This Month

As my son's first birthday draws near, I will be taking the time to write a few posts of reflection. Recaping what has happened to my life since my son was brought into it. Many of you didn't read my blog back then. I started blogging when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to use this as a way to stay connected with my friends and family. It wasn't until my son was born that I began to explore the world of BlogLand and make new friends here. I have met wonderful people and I have enjoyed reading about all your children, marriages, faith, hardships and joys. I have prayed and cried for many of you. I "fell" into an enormous, gracious christian based community here and I am very thankful to have all of you.

A year ago this month, I was ready to go! (Ok, not ready for the actual labor, but definitely ready to meet my little man!) Being me and my Type A personality, I had my lifestyle set for baby number one by the time my 1st trimester was complete. I had the nursery painted a light spring green (adaptable to a boy or girl) and had the crib set up. I was collecting hand me down clothes and pondering over baby names.

Last September, I was wrapping up my career as a hair stylist in an upscale men's salon. I loved my job. I had met so many great people. I grew alot there. My focus wasn't on God at this point, but I certainly came out of my shell. I learned how to approach people that I didn't know. I learned how to start up conversations with the introverted types and learned how to listen and give advice when asked. I was able to make people feel good about themselves. Giving a new clean haircut was always rewarding for me.

Photo taken 33 weeks pregnant

When I had one month to go in my pregnancy, I stopped working. At this time, Paul and I had already moved to Appleton so I was making a long commute. It was only safe to stay near my hospital in those last few weeks. It was these few weeks that drove me CRAZY. I was at home with nothing to do. Sure, I went to the Y each morning for a good 25 mins of elliptical jogging and stretching. But you can only lay outside in the sun for so long before your pregnant body screams at you to get in the air conditioned house!

I was thankful to never have gotten swollen ankles/legs (despite my 8 hours a day on my feet at work) and I was feeling good. Sitting for too long would hurt my rib cage because they would dig into my enormous uterus. I always wondered where in the world my stomach and intenstines went when my baby got SO big. LOL No wonder heartburn can get so bad!

My mom knew in my last week before Jax arrived that I was in need of some company. She had taken the day off on Tuesday, Oct 21st, the day of my 39 week appt. Her and I spent the day walking at the mall and talking all things baby. She came with me to the OB for my check up and ate dinner with us that night. It this point, I was already contracting and we were on our way back to the hospital within 3 hours from leaving the check up. I had asked my mother if she wanted to be in the delivery room with me. I know this isn't everybody's cup of tea, but this is the way I looked at it... when I found out I was having a boy - I had to take a few moments to "move on" from my thoughts that I was having a girl. I was sad that I wasn't having a girl, but I was NOT unhappy that I was having a boy. (Many of you who have these simliar feelings know exactly what I mean. I have been working on a post about ir for months and haven't published it yet.) Anyways, I knew how much my mother wanted to be there to see the birth of her grandchild, to see her daughter (the child that she created), complete a circle of life by bringing her own baby into in the world. I know I would feel that way if I had a little girl. It's different with a son (more on that in my future said post). I know it meant a lot to her that she was there, I was happy she was there.

This is the beginning of my reflections over that past year. I will not relive Jackson's birth story here, as many of you have read it before :) If you are interested, you can click on the labels off to the right hand side that indicate "Jackson's Birth Story".

The 4th of July Weekend

What a weekend!

My brother Brian and his wife Emily came to visit for the long weekend. It had been since Easter that they have seen Jackson, so you can imagine how much the baby has changed. He's bigger, smarter, even cuter and alot more fun!

Our poor peanut had a fever on Friday, so he wasn't himself at all. That didn't make visiting with his aunt and uncle very relaxing. But thankfully, he was back to his smiley self on Saturday.

My parents came over on Saturday to join our festivities.
Jackson always loves the attention from Grandma and Papa!

We had a front row seat for our neighbor's firework show.

Paul was able to enjoy the weekend outside with the baby for some much deserved sunshine!

And of course - momma couldn't put her camera down!

Love this one!

We are so thankful that God allows to live in a country were we have freedom to praise his Name proudly and unashamed. We are blessed to have such wonderful family and friends to surround ourselves with on the holidays.

"Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ." - Ephesians 5:20

Wednesday's Walk - God Finds A Way

Please join Lynnette and the rest of us for Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane...
This week I would like repost my Saturday's post. Saturday marked 21 years since we lost my baby brother and Jesus gained an angel.

GOD FINDS A WAY

Adam Michael was born on June 27th, 1988. He weighed over seven pounds and had a head full of dark hair. This pregnancy was the third for my mother, who already had my older brother and myself. There was no need for concern in the months that led up to delivery. But then, pregnant women didn't receive routine ultrasounds at that time either.

Adam came into this world a perfectly beautiful baby boy. He was whole and just as a baby should be when born. Except he wasn't fully whole on the inside. Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is birth defect that effects 1600 babies in the US alone. The diaphragm, which normally closes in the third month of pregnancy, fails to completely form. This hernia then allows bodily organs to extend up into the chest cavity. More often seen on the left side of the body, the intestines and stomach enter up into the cavity and prevent the lungs and heart from forming properly. This was the case for Adam. His heart was pushed to the side and his lungs (which develop late in utero) were not developed enough to allow him to breathe well. Adam died shortly before 1 day old. He would have been 21 today.

God has touched our whole family with Adam's presence. I am still being touched today as I have brought my own son into this world. Jackson's middle name was in honor of my brother. Jackson Adam. Becoming a mother of my own makes me feel the impact in a whole new way. He was miracle baby because he was conceived after my mother's tube ligation. God finds a way!

----------------------------------------------------

Search and Resource:

Twenty years ago, there were no screening tests to detect a disorder such as congenital diaphragmatic hernia. Thanks to today's research and funding, the success rate that was once 0% in 1988, has dramatically risen.

Sited from a website for Shands Health Care

http://www.realhopeforcdh.com/:

"CDH is a life threatening birth defect in which the diaphragm does not completely form, allowing some of the contents of the abdomen to protrude into the chest and hinder the normal growth of lung tissue. CDH affects approximately one in 3000 babies, and the national survival rate for babies born with CDH falls between 50% and 65%.

Dr. Kays and the pediatric surgery faculty at the University of Florida have a 92% SURVIVAL RATE for CDH babies born at Shands. He credits much of their success to being at the right place at the right time, to the "gentle ventilation" technique that they use, and to his training from Drs. Charlie Stolar and Jen Wung at Columbia University. He also acknowledges the critical support and guidance he has received from Drs. James L. Talbert, Professor Emeritus and Dr. Max R. Langham, Jr., Professor and Chief, Division of Pediatric Surgery."

While not all babies are eligable for the procedures that Shands offers, we have to rejoice that there have been medical advancements.

I read a story of a mother who opted for an experientmental operation. You can read this story in Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother's Soul, pg. 133, Miracle Baby. At the Fetal Treatment Center at University of California San Francisco - in Feb. of 1996, the mother underwent orthoscopic surgery in attempts to help the lungs form. She was 28 weeks along.

Here was the idea behind the operation:

"As babies develop inside the uterus, fluid forms in their lungs and flows out their mouths, contributing to the amniotic fluid that cushions and protects the growing fetus. Dr. Harrison proposed to use this very fluid to help the mother's baby's lungs grow bigger. The surgeon would temporarily close off the baby's trachea. The fluid would then build up inside his lungs, and the mounting pressure would cause them to expand like inflated balloons." pg.134-135

Dr. Harrison was able to use a sonographer to maneuver the baby face up and began his procedure orthoscopically. He proceeded to cut into the baby's throat and clamp his trachea with a titanium clip. The clamp would need at least 7 weeks to heal and allow time for the lungs to expand. While the mother and baby did have a few complications afterwards, the baby was born nine weeks premature. Baby Samuel did survive and is a healthy baby boy today.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Amen

God Finds A Way

Adam Michael was born on June 27th, 1988. He weighed over seven pounds and had a head full of dark hair. This pregnancy was the third for my mother, who already had my older brother and myself. There was no need for concern in the months that led up to delivery. But then, pregnant women didn't receive routine ultrasounds at that time either.

Adam came into this world a perfectly beautiful baby boy. He was whole and just as a baby should be when born. Except he wasn't fully whole on the inside. Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is birth defect that effects 1600 babies in the US alone. The diaphragm, which normally closes in the third month of pregnancy, fails to completely form. This hernia then allows bodily organs to extend up into the chest cavity. More often seen on the left side of the body, the intestines and stomach enter up into the cavity and prevent the lungs and heart from forming properly. This was the case for Adam. His heart was pushed to the side and his lungs (which develop late in utero) were not developed enough to allow him to breathe well. Adam died shortly before 1 day old. He would have been 21 today.

God has touched our whole family with Adam's presence. I am still being touched today as I have brought my own son into this world. Jackson's middle name was in honor of my brother. Jackson Adam. Becoming a mother of my own makes me feel the impact in a whole new way. He was miracle baby because he was conceived after my mother's tube ligation. God finds a way!

----------------------------------------------------

Search and Resource:

Twenty years ago, there were no screening tests to detect a disorder such as congenital diaphragmatic hernia. Thanks to today's research and funding, the success rate that was once 0% in 1988, has dramatically risen.

Sited from a website for Shands Health Care
http://www.realhopeforcdh.com/:

"CDH is a life threatening birth defect in which the diaphragm does not completely form, allowing some of the contents of the abdomen to protrude into the chest and hinder the normal growth of lung tissue. CDH affects approximately one in 3000 babies, and the national survival rate for babies born with CDH falls between 50% and 65%.

Dr. Kays and the pediatric surgery faculty at the University of Florida have a 92% SURVIVAL RATE for CDH babies born at Shands. He credits much of their success to being at the right place at the right time, to the "gentle ventilation" technique that they use, and to his training from Drs. Charlie Stolar and Jen Wung at Columbia University. He also acknowledges the critical support and guidance he has received from Drs. James L. Talbert, Professor Emeritus and Dr. Max R. Langham, Jr., Professor and Chief, Division of Pediatric Surgery."

While not all babies are eligable for the procedures that Shands offers, we have to rejoice that there have been medical advancements.

I read a story of a mother who opted for an experientmental operation. You can read this story in Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother's Soul, pg. 133, Miracle Baby. At the Fetal Treatment Center at University of California San Francisco - in Feb. of 1996, the mother underwent orthoscopic surgery in attempts to help the lungs form. She was 28 weeks along.

Here was the idea behind the operation:

"As babies develop inside the uterus, fluid forms in their lungs and flows out their mouths, contributing to the amniotic fluid that cushions and protects the growing fetus. Dr. Harrison proposed to use this very fluid to help the mother's baby's lungs grow bigger. The surgeon would temporarily close off the baby's trachea. The fluid would then build up inside his lungs, and the mounting pressure would cause them to expand like inflated balloons." pg.134-135

Dr. Harrison was able to use a sonographer to maneuver the baby face up and began his procedure orthoscopically. He proceeded to cut into the baby's throat and clamp his trachea with a titanium clip. The clamp would need at least 7 weeks to heal and allow time for the lungs to expand. While the mother and baby did have a few complications afterwards, the baby was born nine weeks premature. Baby Samuel did survive and is a healthy baby boy today.

Our Father's Day Weekend

We were going to spend Friday evening at the Twist drive thru in town for some much desired ice cream. But after Jackson had yet again refused most of his dinner (who could refuse pureed greenbean with mixed grain cereal?) and noticeable tugging on his ear along with some good homewhole crabbiness - I decided to call the doctor to ask about an ear infection. He has not had one before and I knew that symptoms of teething and ear infections were quite similar. I just didn't want to wait it out if he did infact have an ear infection. So - we took him in for the last appt. available at the clinic. Thank goodness - his ears are clear of infection! He does have the next bottom tooth surfacing so we chalked up the symptoms to be related to that. But the doctor gave us a perscription for 2.5% hydrocortizone ointment. We have been using the cream, which didn't seem to solve the problem. His eczema just relentless with his skin and this doctor we saw was pretty disturbed by how bad it was. So - hopefully this will shed some light on the issue! She went to a seminar that described severe eczema as being bacteria living on the skin. So - chlorinated pool dips would good because they will help with the bacteria on the skin, on the flip side it can also dry out the skin. What a nasty circle!

Saturday, we spent the whole gorgeous day outside at our neighbors camper at Kastle Kampgrounds. What an exciting place for campers! It is so family oriented! We will be spending a weekend there later this summer, but I don't have any photos of that day because my camera batteries died right before leaving :) But I do have to comment on how absolutely wonderful Jackson was that day for us. He was so flexible with his naps, was happy and content all day long! We were so happy and relaxed because of his good natured behavior!

Sunday was Father's Day! All Paul wanted to do was be at home with his family. We started the morning with a nice walk outside. It was peaceful quiet morning as many families were probably still sleeping... or at least allowing their dads to sleep in :) We made some breakfast for Daddy and then filled up the kiddy pool outside so that the boys could enjoy the warm weather. Jax is just loving the pool lately! He loved the neighbors pool, the campground pool and now our little pool that he can actually sit up and play in.

After the pool - we all took a well deserved nap! Then Jackson and I took Daddy out to dinner. I know Paul enjoyed his day with the family. He has proved time and time again to be such a wonderful father! There are a bunch of photos here from the weekend that I would like to share!

It was wouldn't be right for me not to mention my own father on Father's Day. He spend the weekend with my mother in Door County and I was unable to see him this weekend, though we did speak on the phone.

There isn't enough words, or long enough posts that I could create to describe what an amazing father I have. He's compassionate, understanding, willing and able! He knows how much he means to me :)

Words From My Grandfather

The creator of Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane is Lynnette. She has been an inspiration through her ministeries for grieving parents as well as those who feel lost. Her blog is very uplifting. On a recent post she wrote entitled: Ministering Together and Remaining Humble On Our Journey, she mentioned another woman's blog, Jenilee - called Awake. Jenilee uses her blog to help woman who are seeking Christ. I have only just begun to follow to her, so I am not that familar with her writing at this point.

The reason I am writing this posting today is to reflect on the blog post that Lynnette wrote for Jenilee's blog. That post was titled: God Is Always at Work. I invite you to read it, as you will understand why I am commenting on it.

Upon reading it, all I could think about was this letter that my grandfather wrote. I wrote about my grandfather here, in a Wednesday's Walk. I had read this letter when I was alittle girl and it didn't make much sense to me. It wasn't until I was making a scrapbook for my parent's 25th wedding anniversary that I came acrossed it again. I would like to share it with you, if only as an extention of my grandfather's insight to the work of God. It also ties right along with what Lynnette was sharing on Awake. It was written when my little brother passed away from CDH at birth in 1988. I had mentioned it in my grandfather's post as being the only piece of writing I had from him. I have since been given copies of other pieces that I hope to share with you someday.

"I am compelled to write down what I am feeling, though I doubt it will ever leave me. I suspect it's therapy.

Last night I found myself in ICU at Children's Hospital in Milwaukee, looking at this beautifully formed, dark haired boy, my Grandson! Belying the reality of abounding tubes and support systems, how could there be anything wrong? He looked so perfect!

But Adam was born, now just 14 hours old, with a partially formed diaphragm. As a result his intestines had pushed up into his chest cavity causing one lung to collpase, and pushing against the other with enough force to prevent it from fully devleoping. Consequently little Adam did not have enough lung tissue left to sustain life. Adam died around 10:00 not quite 1 day old. Not much time to accomplish anything, or was it?

I saw the genuine loving care of everyone at the hospital. Mary [wife], I and Joyce [daughter in law's mother] witnessed the doctors anguish, as real as our own, as they told our children their son was going to die. My unconveyable feeling as I placed my finger in his tiny fist to say hello and Please God, not good bye.

The faces of Dawn [baby's mother], Joyce and Mary. And I saw my son Mark, stroking Adam's head, full of an overwhelming love for the son he would never get to know.

What can such a short life do? Just ask me! I was there."

No matter how difficult it is to understand why God does what He does, it isn't His purpose for us to know. We fill ourselves with so many questions that are left unanswered and so we feel empty inside. I know that this is easy to say, coming from me - a first time mom who has not lost a child - but I do believe that when we go to heaven and are in God's presences, and all of our loved ones are there to greet us home... all of our questions will dissolve. Everything that caused us anguish here on earth will no longer matter because we will have finally arrived in the place we were always meant to be.

Wednesday's Walk - Through Loss, He created Life

Wednesday's Walk was designed by Lynnette Kraft. She tells her story of how she, along with her family, have found peace and happiness after loss and heartache. Lynnette has accepted God to take over her life and has allowed him to use her as His vessel.

For this Wednesday's Walk, I am taken back to a period on my life when loss lead to life.

My mother's father, Len spent the past few years as a resident of the Samaritan Health Center for senior care. After a couple trying years living at home with Alzheimer's Disease, it became clear that his needed care was beyond the control of my grandmother. And so after much deliberation, my grandma and mother moved him into the local nursing home. It quickly became a new regular routine to visit him several times a week and although the initial transition was difficult, grandpa soon got accustomed to the new living style.

There are plenty of aspects about Grandpa's life that I could talk about (his time with the Navy, his hobbies of drawing, painting, gardening, fishing, his love for football), but I will choose to keep that for another day. After all - the post has a deeper meaning that I would like to share.

As Alzheimer's Disease often works, Grandpa's health was on a steady decline for a few years while in the nursing home, but suddenly began to worsen. He stopped recognizing his family when we visited, he stopped conversing, and was confined to a wheelchair. However, he don't recall him every turning down a cookie if you placed it to his lips :).

Two floors above my grandpa - resided my Great Grandfather Lenor (I know that might be confusing). This was my grandmother's father - so she had her husband and father in the same facility. Great Grandpa Len, in his late 90s was in better health than his son in law who was in his late 70s. Great Grandpa was a tall guy! Mumbling his way through conversations and shuffling his feet to move along in his wheelchair. He always offered his guests candy orange slices coated in thick granules of sugar. :) By the way, his wife Great Grandma Evelyn is still living today. She is also in her late 90s. Strong bloodline!

In early February 2008, we lost both my Grandfather and Great Grandfather within 3 days of one another. It was definitely a sad week for our family and it hit my mother especially hard. This man had adopted her and raised her as his own child from the age of three.

Not two weeks after my grandfathers had passed, Paul and I found out we were pregnant. We had conceived shortly after their deaths. I believe I knew deep down we would be having a boy, at least if my grandfather's had anything to do with it :). We were so thrilled to tell our families.

At the same time we saw life enter into heaven, God repeated His amazing cycle and brought forth the life of my son here on earth.

What's That, Jackson??

you might want to stop the music from the reel at the bottom of the right hand sidebar, if it's distracting.

My brother and his wife, Brian and Emily, have invited us to go spend a weekend in July with them in Door Co. Emily's family owns a cottage right in Sister Bay. We are very excited and when Jackson heard the news - he just couldn't stop talking about it...

Wednesday's Walk - Or should I say... Marathon?

I came across this weekly testimony and it lead me to the creator's blog. Wednesday's Walk was designed by Lynnette Kraft. She tells her story of how she, along with her family, have found peace and happiness after loss and heartache. Lynnette has accepted God to take over her life and has allowed him to use her as His vessel. I was inspired reading through her blog , so go grab a cup of coffee and lean back in your chairs because this memory will take me some time to share. Here is my second post for Wednesday's Walk - Down Memory Lane.

I want to reminisce about the days when my 6 month old slept until 7am... which now has been replaced with 5:30am.... "Get REAL!" You really want to listen to me go off on a rant about that? I didn't think so :) But I will say just one thing - I never thought I would ever perceive 7am as "sleeping in"! Ok - now on to my real walk...

I suppose you could say this road leads me back to my childhood, previous to 1994 (that may not seem that long ago for some of you, but to me - it seems a world away!) For this memory, I want to focus on someone specific. I want to focus on someone who was dear to our family, someone who left this earth before I was granted time to truly get to know them as an individual. I didn't get to know him as an adult, as a person, or as a follower. To me and for my whole life - he was just grandpa.


I am saddened to say I only have a few memories of they type of grandpa he was because I was only nine when he passed. I, being his oldest granddaughter (and the second oldest grandchild), am even more saddened that my younger cousins have even fewer memories - if any at all. I believe my brother and I are blessed among our cousins because we lived near our grandparents and they were involved in our lives on a regular basis. We made many trips to their house - where as most children do - we would make ourselves scarce from the adults and find something to occupy our time. [ I just continued to write about the kind of things we occupied our time with... but after about three paragraphs of that, I realized the memories of our explorations through my grandparent's house is truly a separate walk altogether. So, I deleted my work and am going to save that for a different Wednesday]. Now I will go on to say that our visits to my grandparents house usually went well into the late evening (especially if my cousins were in town) and we never had a shortage of things to do. These activities always drew us away from spending much time with the adults and alas (my point through all this talk)... it pulled us away from my grandpa. Of course, we were kids and listening to boring grown up talk and hearing them laughing at jokes I didn't understand, we were better off exploring the house.

I have a few memories of my grandfather that I would like to share as well as a bit of reflection. My grandfather, if he was anything like his sons, was not the tallest guy around. He was rather slender and sported a mustache that prickled our faces when he would kiss us goodbye. He had made a life as a carpenter and shared that talent with the community. His house had many fine pieces of work he handcrafted and a few pieces made their way into my parent's house as well. He wore glasses and buttoned down flannel shirts and the same pair of dirty, ragged work boots no matter where we were. Grandpa hung a rope swing from the tree in their front yard so that the kids would have something to do outside on our visits.


Grandpa would have these belches that were probably pretty unpleasant to most people, but we would just laugh and say "Grandpa - what to you SAY?!?" We knew his response before he would even reply (which encouraged us to ask where his manners were in the first place.) "Felt good!" would be his response every time! He had this chair at his house that was always considered "grandpa's chair". Every time he would leave the room, the grandchildren would fight to sit in it. We did this mainly because upon his return, he would pretend not to see us and sit right on top of us.

I remember being drawn to a certain book a few years back at the book store. I bought the book because grandpa had read it while we were on vacation in MI in 1992. - Where the Red Fern Grows. I haven't read it - it's in a box in my basement, but I can tell you the reason I have it is because HE read it. I was fascinated with his book collection because he had several books that we were reading in school. My 3rd grade teacher read "The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" to us and she had mentioned that there was an entire series that followed the book. Grandpa had that entire original series on this book shelf! He also had the original set of the "The Lord of the Rings" (complete with "The Hobbit"), which I read in a freshman mythology course. (This of course was way before the recent movies were filmed which made the stories a new sensation). I just remember thinking that my grandpa was pretty cool to have the original, tattered copies of these brilliant adventure tales. Understanding that the books were really a whole lot older than I thought.

I can remember at my grandpa's sister's house - there was this huge maple tree. I would beg him to lift me up into the tree where I could sit. I would be alittle higher than eye level to him. We would have these three way conversations between the two of us, and the tree itself. Grandpa would lean his ear to the tree, make whispering sounds and translate to me what the tree just told him! It was never any talk of real importance, but he was spending time with me. He had created little games like these that became traditions. I am thankful for those traditions because without those - I feel my memory of what grandpa was like would be quite foggy.

This was our Grandfather. I don't remember him being a man of many words - and yet upon his passing, packet of his poetry and thoughts were revealed by one of his sons. I wish I had a copy myself, as I have only seen it once or twice. I do however have one piece that he wrote after experiencing the loss of a grandchild. My younger brother, Adam. He wrote about what it was like to see the physical pain in his family and what he felt - viewing from the sidelines.


I believe that we viewed our Grandfather in a typical way. To me, to my brother, and to my younger cousins - he was old. He was a grandpa and grandpas were old - It wasn't until I was a teenager that I realized something...Just because he was my dad's father, that didn't necessarily make him old. Especially when I realized that he was only 54 when he passed away.

I suppose one thing that our family would recognize as a trait of my grandfather's (although, rambling off my memories in the previous paragraph - amazingly this didn't come to mind) is that he was always smoking a cigarette. After smoking the majority of his life, the habit made its ultimate claim of his life in the wicked form of throat cancer. Tests after tests and procedures and procedures...one procedure he had struck us hard as kids. It was the removal of voice box. As a child, I saw my grandfather "grow" bald and then out of the blue - he had a hole in his neck. I remember that he took my brother and I into the den of the house and he had a flashlight in hand. Instead of hiding his neck or ignoring our curious nature, grandpa wanted us to have a look at this neck so we would still feel comfortable around him.He did not want us be scared and he needed us to understand that this is still our grandfather. So, he held the flashlight up to his neck and my brother and I took a look at the inside of his throat. I asked questions and my grandma answered.. Then, grandpa pulled out his "new voice". It was a handheld vibrating device that was to be placed on his throat when he talked and it would transmit his voice vibrations into words. Understanding here, this was not a computer by any means. It did not simply SPEAK the words. It was more robotic sounding if anything, or at least that's the way I remember it. It was a bit difficult to hear the words he was trying to make and sometimes you couldn't make out the words no matter how slowly he spoke. My brother and I both took our attempts at the device to again, try to feel comfortable with the new adjustments our grandpa was making. I don't remember being scared of the sounds that the device projected, but I suppose my younger cousins were. My father had told me (years later) that grandpa picked up on the nervousness of the children when he would speak... and so he slowly stopped using it over time. Which meant - he slowly stopped talking when we were around.

There were a few bad months where his cancer got worse despite his treatments. He was taken to St. Luke's Hospital in Milwaukee after a serious of tragic events. I remember it being a long drive to Milwaukee those few evenings we made the trip. Of course my brother and I were asking "Are we there yet?". My parents told us to watch the street names as we drove down Wisconsin Ave. Off the freeway we were passing 107th street. St. Luke's was at 27th street. All I did down that long stretch of street light after street light, was watch as each street name sign counted down 100th, 99th, 98th.... 56th, 55th.... 30th, 29th...

One night my parents called a family friend to come to the house while they made one last trip to the hospital. My father sat us down when he got home to tell us that Grandpa had gone to heaven and was now with Adam. I can't say the exact feelings I had when we told the news. I believe my parents had done a good job of preparing the two of us while he was in the hospital. They had said that grandpa probably was not going to wake up.

As the years have gone by, I am now an adult with a family of my own. I am able to relate to my aunts & uncles on the topics of career, parenthood etc. I feel connected to them because I have grown up and now communicate with them as an adult. Aside from age, there isn't much difference between us...


...Until I think about what they have and I don't. They had time with my grandfather. I am jealous when I hear stories about him, things he said, things he did. That generation of our family smile and laugh remembering back to how fun my grandpa was. They all recall the same stories and each give their two cents of how they all happened and everyone enjoys hearing them. I sit there with envy that I didn't know him that way. I didn't know him as a person, a man, or an individual. I wasn't able to sit down with him and have a conversation, to get his view point, to hear what he had to say. I wish I would have been able to because from what I hear, I know I would have enjoyed him too.


Now on the same token - I am sad for my younger cousins who don't even carry with them the few memories that I have. I knew him as a grandpa - someone who fulfilled all those memories listed above. Someone who created those traditions so that I would have something to grasp now that he's been gone.
It will be 15 years this October since we lost my grandfather. We will be celebrating my son's 1st birthday. Man - how time flies by! I have so much to be thankful for and I know that Grandpa is dancing his dance by Jesus' side. If I have learned anything from him - it would be to continue making traditional memories. Those are what he gave me, unknowing at the time - but they have become so important to me.