Because of Him... I AM...

Loved.Forgiven.Saved.Set Free.Grateful.

John 3:16

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life."

A prayer from HeartLight

Father, I believe that you gave Jesus to save me from my sins. I confess that I cannot fully understand that love, but I thank you and praise you with all of my heart. Please forgive me when my life does not reflect your loving estimation of my worth. Give me strength to believe what you say about me. I place my full trust in your love to continue its transformational work of redemption in me. Thank you that you are making me better than I am right now. Thank you even more for ransoming me from my sin and giving me life with you. In Jesus' name. Amen.

He thought of US

As Easter comes closer this year, I would have to admit this is probably the first year I am really convicted by what Easter represences. I don't even know exactly how to put my words down on paper. How do I spell out how grateful I am for the sacrifice that Jesus made? How can any words describe the magnitude of that event?

Pastor Brad spoke this past Sunday about how Christ had each one of us on his mind in those last few days of his earthly life. After Jesus has predicted his own death and has begun to prepare for that... he was thinking of us. Matthew 20:29 tells of the two blind men who shouted out to Jesus asking for mercy as He and the disciples were leaving Jericho. Jesus, the man who knows that he is about to ridiculed, betrayed, mocked, denied and nailed to a cross for a very painful, public death... stops to ask these two outcasted blind men, "What do you want me to do for you?"  It says that "Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him." Jesus had performed many miracles by just speaking words or assigning tasks. But in these moments, when Jesus' heart is heavy with what He is being called to do... stops to physically lay his hands upon these men to heal their sight. He had God's people on his mind all the way to the cross.

He was thinking of me...

I know I'm NOT the Only One

Wow, has it really been another week since my last post?

My son is sick again! He still hadn't completely recovered from his lingering cough from his birthday. For those of you who missed that, it was Oct. 22! Quite awhile for a cough to stick around. None the less, last night he woke about 5 times coughing and crying. Poor little guy would just sit up in his crib and cry, he couldn't fall back to sleep. I feel totally helpless! Today, the nose started running again. Jackson is a true gem despite the way he must be feeling. He was completely tuckered out by 6pm, however he still has been coughing/crying on and off for the last 4 hours. Am I the only one who feels like my kid is always sick? Anyone else feel completely helpless to sooth your child when you can't give them any medicine?

So I set out tonight to Walmart (my other home) to purchase a Vaporizer for my son. We have had a regular cool humidifier in his room however it isn't vapo-rub compatible nor did it seem to help. It has been along time since I have been driving without a backseat passenger, and so I felt the teenager in me say "Turn up the radio" My trusty christian stations had failed to produce a good groovin song, so I switched. I am embarrassed to admit that when I heard "St. Elmo's Fire" I laughed and cranked it up. Man, it felt good to sing out loud without caring one bit. It was dark out, so no one saw me jammin - nor was I being an un-fit mother (un-fit driver, that's another discussion) because I was sans child. I was singing all the wrong words, laughing about it - still not getting over the fact that I actually singing to "St. Elmo's Fire." I know I'm not the only one who loves to good blast from the past! Simple pleasures!

I found the steamer that I wanted, added it my cart of kitty litter and Boogey Wipes - then made my way to the check outs. Now the pending question that looms over me every trip to Walmart.... do I attempt the self check out? Since my cart was so little, I decided to go for it and pulled in behind a younger lady. I grabbed the latest copy of Soap Opera Digest, because the cover story featured GH (General Hospital). My eyes started to stray from the magazine and fell apon the coveted candybars. Butterfinger. I debated. My two selves were speaking to each other "Don't pick it up!" "Go ahead, it's not the like it's the 'Big Bar' just the regular size Butterfinger." "You don't need it!" "What can 1 Butterfinger really hurt?" I debated. I decided. I put the magazine down and grabbed the first Butterfinger in the row. I slide my thumb down the whole candy bar and immediately knew I made the right choice. I know I'm not the only one who gets excited when your Butterfinger isn't broken in half! This was an unbroken full length Butterfinger - and it was delicious!

But it never falls - the poor girl in front of me received the dreaded voice command "Please Wait For Assistance" Her face went red, either with anger or embarrassment, I couldn't really tell. At least I know I'm not the only one who can't get through the self check outs without wanting to shove my foot into the damn machine! Since when has replacing an actual human being with a machine really work out to everyone's advantage? I will use them if I have less than 4 items. Anything more than - forget it! Have you gone grocery shopping in the late evening? Don't expect to see any upright Walmart employees anywhere near the registers, except for the "Assistant" to the self check out machine. I don't know about many of you - but I am not particularly fond of unload my full cart of groceries, scan them all successfully, bag them, place them back into my cart and get the machine to accept my coupons. Especially when you have someone behind you holding 2 items!! America NEEDS jobs right? Why have they gotten rid of the cashiers?

Then on the way home I was convicted by one of my favorite songs on the radio right now.

"Follow You" by LeeLand Featuring Brandon Heath

chours

"I'll follow you in the homes of the broken,
I'll follow you in the world.

I'll meet the needs for the poor and the needy
God, I follow you in the world. "



I know I'm not the only one who hears a song that make you realize the ridiculous things that you can worked up over. It makes you see more clearly the things you take for granted, and the things that really don't matter, like everything I posted above. When I started getting carried away by the selfish things in this world... He draws me right back in.

GRACE

Pastor Brad was speaking from the Book of Phillipians today and I wanted to share it with you. Our Pastor has a very routine way to organize his sermons and I appreciate it. He will read the scripture, bullet points about it, relate that back to the scripture - resite other passages to support the scripture etc. I love that we spend so much time in the Bible.

Today's Service was titled "Grace". Reading throught the Phill 1:1-30 gave us the opportunity to read Paul's letter to the church of Phillipians. He is wrongly imprisioned for some time after Jesus' crucifixon.

vs.3-5

"I thank my God every time I remember you [church of Phillipians]. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now,"

1) God put others on this earth so we would not be alone. We must understand that we are in this journey together. As many times that we feel we are alone, alone from God and alone from others... that is not the work of the Lord. We are always surrounded by others on this very same journey.

vs. 6

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. "

2) God will always finish the work that he began. He has never intended to leave a plan go unfinished. Even though there will always be highs and much dreaded lows... it's the end result, the Big Picture that the Lord has his sights set on. He will always see it through and it is up to us to stay steadfast in his plans. Forever believing that his plans are to prosper us and not to harm us.

vs. 9-11

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ - to the glory and praise of God."

3) In order to become more like him, we need to progress in our relationship and journey with Christ. We need to grow more and more in knowledge and in gain a deeper insight to the heart and teachings of God. This is done through study and reading from the Bible and in prayer.

vs. 12-14

"Now I want you to know, brothers that what has happened to me [wrongfully imprisioned] has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly."

4) Turn your scars into trophies. As found in many places throughout scripture - we walk the road we walk for Jesus Christ. Many will ask "Lord, please deliver me from this burden". That may not be in God's plan, rather our prayer should be "Lord, please deliver me through this burden." Many times we find our prayers asking Christ to make things better for us, to take away the hurt and pain.*

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Phillipians 1:21

vs. 27-30

"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in one spirit, contending as one man for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in any way by those who oppose you. This is a sign to them that they will be destroyed, but that you will be saved—and that by God. For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him, since you are going through the same struggle you saw I had, and now hear that I still have."

5) God's grace is not only to love us and forgive us, but also to sustain us. God can be clearly seen at our highest points and at our lowest points. *During our times of needing and healing, we turn to God for what he can do for us. But to sustain our lives, we need to look to God for what he did do for us.

My Greatest Blessings

Thank you for all your feedback. I appreciate every comment.

I have always known that if God provides me with another baby,

whether it be

Girl or Boy,

Healthy or Sick,

Alive here on earth or alive in heaven,

All my children will be my greatest blessings.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

I came across this scripture last night while searching for peace on the matter.

Putting It All Out There...

The talk of baby number two has been around our house for quite awhile. Paul and I knew from the start that we wanted to have our children close in age (who doesn't, right?) We had discussed our desire to start trying again when Jackson turned one year old. That time is fast approaching!

I had stopped breastfeeding Jackson when he turned 10 months, and was expecting my cycle to start up again shortly after. It actually took 5 weeks to start up again. I was anticipating this dreadful period full of heavy flow, horrible cramps and long lasting... thankfully, it was none of that.

So this was perfect. I had two months to allow my body to regulate itself so we would be ready to start trying. Well, I started tracking my ovulation after that first period on day 12. (A normal 28 day cycle = ovulation around day 14). Day 12 - no ovulation. Day 14 - no ovulation. Day 18 - no ovulation. Day 20 - no ovulation. I began ovulating on Day 22! My goodness, that means this first cycle is a whopping 44 days long!! At least that's how I am calculating it.

This has been weighing my mind for months now and I was never sure to publish it or not... so I just decided to go ahead and let it loose...

Now, if any of you know me, or have read my stuff before, you will know that my desire to have a little girl is no secret. So many couples have trouble trying to conceive a child, and here I am trying to create my own destiny. I have never asked God for a baby girl. I would never do that. He knows my heart, he knows my desires. I feel horrible that I have this strong need to mother a baby girl, when many couples have yet to be blessed with a child. I am being extremely presumptuous to think that I will get pregnant as fast as we did the first time. I suppose because that's all I know, I just figure it will happen that way again... how ignorant!

There are just so many things to experience that are unique to the mother of a daughter. Most of them are selfish on my part. Dressing your little girl in all things girly, taking her shopping for a prom dress, being there while she plans her wedding, being the Mother of the Bride, being there through her pregnancies. In most cases - a woman is going to confide in her own mother before approaching her mother in law.

Like I stated in the beginning, I know God has my life written down in stone. He knows the decisions I will make, the mistakes I make and the life I will lead. He already has my family picked out and He knows if I will have a daughter in my life. If I know all this, why do I still feel the need to create my own future? Is it wrong to take simple theoretical actions to greater my chances of having a daughter? By this, I mean trying to conceive on specific days around ovulation to try and manipulate the process, (hence needing a regular period) eating certain foods to change the pH levels in my body and using appropriate positions to sway the outcome. I would never do anything medically (if that even exists) to try for a certain gender. I don't know if it perfectly fine to try these techniques (since they aren't going to persuade God's Will), or if it's wrong of me. I know it is a moot point, but why do I have a strong urge to just try? Does that mean that I don't really believe His Will be done? If feel like I am telling Him, "I know you have a plan for me Lord, but if you would just me try this one little thing..." And there He is, folding his arms across his chest, shaking his head saying, "Oh, you poor poor child. Why do you have such little faith?" And yet, I find myself coming back to the same thing... if I could just make my own attempt to have a baby girl. And if I have another son (whom I adore to the highest of Heaven), then I will know that I wasn't meant to be. And I will love God for giving me another son and I will love my new baby boy much as I love my son.

Why do I feel this way? If I am feeling guilty about these desires, does that mean that it probably isn't right?

I am so taken over by this. I wrote the majority of this post back in May 2009. I still don't know if making my selfishness public to everyone is a good thing or not. I am torn. Please don't judge me.

"So We Don't Forget"

I know that Lynnette's new idea of Wednesday's Walk, is now So We Don't Forget, which I totally love. I have not participated in a few weeks because I have been so busy getting my new blog store up and running.

However, I will yet again stray from Lynnette's idea for this week - because I want to share with all of you God fearing people - just how great is His love. I know you all will rejoice with my family when you read this of post today. Please take a moment, you won't regret it!

Here is a bit of background for you.

This is my husband's side of the family. His Aunt Joni and Uncle Rich have three children that they raised to adulthood and one daughter they named Shawna, who they gave up for adoption 38 years ago. They were only 16 when they had Shawna and we not ready to start their family yet.

Aunt Joni had battle breast cancer for a rough 10 years before passing on in 2006. Joni was the youngest of 4 daughters. The eldest was Anne, who passed away in 2002 of complications due to many factors, including lung cancer. Next is Mary, who has been battling a brain tumor for many years; then Kathy (my mother in law) who went through chemotherapy last year for stage 3 breast cancer. And lastly, Joni. Their mother has also been treated breast cancer. Because of this family's medical history, Aunt Joni and Uncle Rich were desperate to reach their daughter Shawna, if for nothing else than to give her the family facts - so she could be aware of the high cancer possiblity. Of course they were wanting to share in their daughter's life, but felt it would be Shawna's choice. There were several attempts over the years to reach her that all ended in the same results - dead ends, they just couldn't track down their daughter.

Shortly after Joni had passed, Rich tried again. And this time - new doors began to open. They located their daughter, who had been named Angela. Last week Angela, who now lives in Los Angeles, went to Las Vegas with her husband to meet Rich, her sister Chelsy and brother Luke. Angela's other brother, Matt, lives in Madison. Rich is absolutely ecstatic. The email he sent my father in law with the first picture of Angela was simply titled "I am fulfilled." Angela is a perfect blend of Joni and Rich. taken from an email I received from my father in law

"I know with Joni smiling down, they are a complete family now."

- Mike, my father in law

Father in Law -Mike, Mother in Law -Kathy, Aunt Joni and Uncle Rich

Aunt Joni (a few years before she passed)

Angela and her husband Jonny

Cousin Luke, Jonny, Angela and Eve (Luke's wife)

A Blessed Union

So I suppose my thoughts for today are:

Just So We Don't EVER Forget
Just how GREAT is Our God!

"You're Amazing,
You're Amazing You Are,
And We Praise You,
Lord, For What Your Hands Have Done.
You're Amazing,
You're Amazing You Are."

-Newsboys- In The Hands Of God

Wednesday's Walk - "Washed By The Water"

Lynnette Kraft's Wednesday's Walk

For this week's Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane, I would like to share with everyone my past Sunday.

After morning service, we went back home to get a nap in for my son before joining the rest of our church at Spencer Lake, Christian Camp for the annual Summer Picinic Bash. There were volleyball tornaments, frisbee golf tornaments, mini golf, walking trails, beach for swimming equip with an inflatable "rock" climbing wall, a water trampoline, rafts, an enormous launching balloon, padboats, kyacks - you name - it was there!

We had a wonderful turn out and I want to share with you the best part of the picinic (for me).

Washed By The Water

Read With Us - Chapter 4

Join us as we continue reading Lynnette Kraft's In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me.

I think anyone can understand the physical and emotion exhaustion relating to handling so much change in only three years. With having two little ones running the household and dealing with the still very present pain of losing Samuel - Lynnette finds herself pregnant again. I think it would truly be moments like this that you would begin to second guess your decision to let God lead your path, (at least as far as family planning goes). I can see how she could have been quite overwhelmed already and then God has more in store for her - whether she is ready or not.

If you have experienced labor, what was yours like?

Personally, a home birth is not my cup of tea. I actually find comfort in knowing that there is medical intervention if needed. I like that assurance. I know that many woman like the idea of experiencing labor and delivery as it was intended... not this girl! I have no regrets about how I delivered my son. I had intended on receiving an epidural, which I did shortly after arriving to the hospital. I had been experiencing large amounts of back labor, so the epidural really allowed me to relax. I felt that I was totally aware, physically and mentally for what my body was about to do. I still felt a lot of pressure while my son transitioned down, and while I pushed. But for the most part - I was really able to focus. I am also relieved at my preconceived decision to have pain meds because I experienced a horrendous tear (no lady, not the traditional way of 3rd to 4th degree tear here). No - I am referring to an "upward and forward" direction. That's enough - I won't get too into it, it still makes me squemish :) Basically, another reason I will have an epidural with another baby.

It must have been absolutely heartbreaking to find that she was about to lose another child. She and Kyle did have some time to prepare (as much as one could) with the prognosis of Samuel in utero, but this was a different story. They were completely unprepared for the disorder that Josiah presented.

Do you know of anyone whose lives have been impacted by CDH (or has your own)?Josiah's story hits me a bit harder because I also lost a brother to Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. In 1988, my little brother was born and presumed to be a healthy baby. Back then, routine ultrasounds were not performed. Adam was born with a whole in his diaphragm that allowed his abdominal organs to protrude up into his chest cavity. His lungs failed to develop properly as a result and was not able to breathe. I was four years old.

I have only recently spoken to my mother about her experience with losing a child. Speaking in terms of mother to mother, not mother to daughter. I wasn't able to understand the effects of what that experience must have been like... until I had my own son. Everything becomes much more vivid and what ifs start to plague your thoughts... remember last week's discussion on fear? It a wonderful talk with my mother that day. It brought forth many tears, a story too personal to share here because it is not mine to tell.

Click here to read a recent post about Adam and the new advancements on CDH

How do these words spoken by Kyle make you feel?

I think Kyle's words about the coffee cup analogy was a wonderful description. I thought about this again this past Sunday in church when Pastor Brad was talking about "Giving God The Luxury of Time." The topic was James 1:1-18. Pastor Brad said,"The process that God has for you and is doing in your life today, is what will prepare you for the promises that He has for you." God does no look at TODAY as the big picture, just as he doesn't reveal our whole lives to us all at once. It takes time to reveal his plan - the full picture. He looks at end product. If we just give him that time to reveal to us the big picture - we will experience the greatest gifts ever to have been received.

How courageous and awesome that her husband Kyle clung to the work of God and shared everything he could with as many people as he could. Lynnette said herself, "I still wonder today who may have been touched by this supernatural strength God was giving Kyle." How great that God can find the good in everything.

"To live is Christ, to die to gain" - Phil 1:21

During difficult times, where do you find your comfort?

Lynnette found comfort in reading Psalms. I would have to say that since accepting Christ into my life, I haven't experienced real difficult times. I would definitely say that I always understanding and advice in confiding in my mother. She has been there to listen and be a leaning shoulder to me.

Lynnette talked about struggling for along time after losing Josiah. And one thing that I will always marvel at is how God will give a woman/mother strength to continue on for the sake of her family. Lynnette had two children to take of, as well as a husband. She couldn't lay in bed all day, she couldn't shut out the whole world of responsibilities and duty to stay locked up. Certainly there must have been those days in order to grieve, but then the realization would set in - you are needed! You have children that need you. I think this would be one of the hardest things of dealing with grief and having the responsibility of your family.

"If God said to you, 'Lynnette, I am going to give you a son. He won't be with you long. I am only going to leave him with you for five days and then I am going to take him back. But I have a plan. Will you accept this assignment." pg. 72.

What would you say?

Did anyone start bawling when they read that part? I literally shut my book and just sobbed. How so utterly true is that question? on so many levels! First of all, Lynnette absolutely accepts because she would take any assignment if it meant pleasing the Lord. If He asked something of her - she would accept. I completely agree with that. I was feel the same way.

But I have to admit - that wasn't my first reaction. Oh - I would most definitely accept his request of me. But my first thought was a selfish one. My initial response was to say yes - because I would want to know that child. I would want to be affected by that child. I would want to carry that child inside of me. I would want to give that child unconditional love and warming comfort while God allowed him to stay. I would want to be moved and forever changed for having loved and lost that child. Yes - I would choose the pain and sorrow over never having experienced a life such as that. How does the old saying go? "Better to be loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." That's so cliche, but quite fitting... right?

A new, beautiful way of looking at God's lessons and joy through such saddening sorrow.

MckLinky Blog Hop - Encouragement / Make Me Laugh

Tuesday, August 4th - MckLinky Blog Hop features

Encouragement.

May want to disable my playlist at the bottom of the left sidebar

When you feel like giving up,

think of this amazing woman

a wife and mother

ALSO

Pastor Brad at Pathways Church

did a wonderful sermon a few weeks back on

James 1:1-8

• Consider Trials Pure Joy
• Give God the Luxury of Time
• The process that God has for you and is doing in your life today, is what will prepare you for the promises that He has for you.
• Don't Give Up

I invite you to listen to the podcast sermon.

http://www.pathwayschurch.us/wp-content/uploads/sermons/20090712-1a.mp3

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now - the light hearted Encourgement
It truly is the best medicine!

Please join Make Me Laugh (grab my button from the lefthand sidebar)-

where everyone in BlogLand is welcome to come and share in the laughter.

Share your funny story, joke, article, photo, film clip etc.

It can be personal or public... just please keep it clean!

Who doesn't enjoy a good laugh?

and
Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor??

I know it's wrong to laugh when it's at someone else's expense,

but I am sure this Mom is laughing about it today!

Make Me Laugh - BlogLanders!

Read With Us - Chapter 3

Join us as continue Lynnette Kraft's In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me.

Lynnette opened Chapter 3 with a question about despair. Why would anyone choose to feel sorrow when they can enter to peace? I think people chose despair because it is what feels natural when something so precious is taken away. I don't believe for many who are grieving, it isn't natural to receive God's peace (at least in the beginning). There is a time of anguish that needs to be processed and felt. Also, it takes a lot of strength and courage to accept God's gift of peace in difficult times. Sometimes it is easier to allow pain and sorrow to surround you because there is no strength left. Everyone that believes, will allow grace to warm their faces again... that time is different for everyone.

Lynnette talked about having this new concept of dealing with other's grieving over her child. I must take a large amount of strength to stand in that line in front of your baby's casket and hear all your friends and family say , "I'm sorry, you are in my prayers." And what would be worse, is hearing the wrong comment. Lynnette is right, people don't know what to say and they try to be comforting. But just as everyone deals with their grief on a different timeline, not everyone will be comforted by words as some might expect. I will admit, I am the "I'm sorry." commenter who leaves it at that.



On page 57, "It's sad how easy it is to learn firsthand of Gods love ,care and provision and then turn around and momentarily forget it all for the sake of fear." She is right, "Fear is a real and terrible thing." We can read and believe, even experience his unconditional loving grace but in the next moment lose touch of that feeling. God never recoils his loves so the loss of sight isn't due to an absence of it, but rather because we put up our own blinders and allowing fear to take ahold of our emotions.

II Timothy 1:7. Something I would like memorize!

"God hath no given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

What fears do you have that you feel you should give to God?
My own fears would be of the unknown. Obviously, the future is something we are suppose to not know - but there is a huge of fear that is associated with that. I shouldn't be fearful, but it's God plan and He knows what is best for me. The fear of having to deal with close/great loss. It's a fear of having to deal with that much pain, not believing I would be strong enough. I know the Lord would guide me through the darkness, it is just very hard to let go of that overwhelming, and looming fear.


Ah, the joys of having a baby girl. I do hope God has it in his plans that I will get experience this life with a daughter. We will be trying again October for a second child. I believe Lynnette's comment rings true however, I will be blessed and happy with the child that he gives me, a boy, a girl, healthy or not so healthy - that child will be a blessing. And if Jackson becomes an only child - we will be sad but know that God has other plans for us.

Read With Us - Chapter 2

Join us as we continue this month's discussion on "In Faithfullness, He Afflicted Me."

There is something about a mother's intuition that strengthens the powerful bond from mother to child. Lynnette secretly knew there was something wrong with her pregnancy well before it was ever confirmed by her physican. I can't say that I have a strong mother's intuition. Maybe that will come with more pregnancies/children. But I always felt that my "intuitions" were manifested through my own fears and doubt. I would get this strong feeling that was more like "worry" if anything. I don't know if I would classify that as intuition. I suppose I just need to trust my feelings more.

Do you have a funny experience to share? What are some of the silly or stupid things you did? I definitely did things weren't smart due too unexperience. I don't know that they were quite as humorous as Lynnette's or Holly's :) Maybe, not changing my newborn's diaper fast enough so we got pooed on a few times. That wasn't funny at the time! He's crawling now - so let me get back to you all on that :)

Has there been a time in your life that you felt the world was falling apart? I would definitely say there were times when I felt we were at a dead end, or at a huge set back. But no - I would have to say thanksfully there has never been a time of this magnitude. I am in the state that Lynnette described up until losing Samuel. I lost my little brother when I was 4, but that isn't old enough to feel the immediate emotional effects.

What a surprise that their child turned out to be a boy after all. Being granted the unknowing foresight of dreams, both Lynnette and Kyle would have thought the baby was boy all long.

No one can say for sure how they would react when their child with a fatal prognosis is born. Of course, not until they experience it first hand. I suppose being on this side that experience, I would feel such deepening sorrow. I would be torn between the utter joy to be finally holding my baby in my arms and knowing the pending calling of the Lord could be only moments away. Lynnette said on pg. 46 "Even though we knew he'd only be with us for a short time, we celebrated his life. I was not as afraid as I had feared. I was not disappointed. I was excited that my baby was almost ready to be placed in my arms." And again on pg. 49 "I remember being alittle frightened. I knew Samuel was leaving us, and I was unsure what to expect. However, God gave us a gentle peace in those moments." I know I touched on this in my previous reflection, and maybe it's because I am fascinated that God is so merciful to extend peace if we are willing to accept it in those moments. Not needing to create our own peace, but simply receiving His offering.


I know that many would be too consumed in anguish to feel God's presence during those moments. Many would feel as though they were being punished by God. God does not punish with children, nor does He take children away as a form of discipline. He hurts as we hurt. It takes a believer to see the truth. Many say "Everything happens for a reason". But where do we find God in that statement? "Everything happens for God's reason alone"...? Or futher yet - "Everything God creates is for a reason."

How has difficult times affected your marriage? We've had difficult times before we were married, but engaged. We were living in Milwaukee and Paul lost his job. Like I had mentioned last week, Paul's parents graciously invited us into their home. It was a period of time that we are so grateful for because we were able to stabilize our finances and get back on our feet again, but at the same time - it was secretly stressful living in someone else's home. While his parents went above and beyond to make us feel as though their house was our house, it was still a transition that was hard on us as a couple.

What fears have you struggled with? My goodness - I fear that Paul will again lose his job because of this economy. The stakes are much higher this time because we don't have my salary to count on being a stay at home mom, and we have a child now. Having zero income would send our future in a whirlwind. I am not currently pregnant, but we will be trying soon and I know I will have pending fears regarding the health of my child.

I think that is so beautiful and true that through their pregnancy with Samuel, the Krafts allowed God to take the reigns on their family's plan. Not many do that in this day and age. Schooling is so expensive and with the rising prices of nearly everything - and the stationery salaries across the board; the idea of giving up your own family plans for His is a bit more difficult. But who ever said that material things should be the root of all happiness? Wouldn't a house full of happy children bring you more joy than the fastest car in the world? Wouldn't several grandchildren to share the holidays with bring you more LASTING peace than a yauct docked at an ocean marina? The Kraft family had their awakening during their pregnancy with Samuel. For if not for him, they may have stopped at 2 boys. Could you imagine that family with only 2 sons? :) We certainly wouldn't be reading this book. They have Samuel to thank for the rest of their family. Could that have been Samuel's purpose?

Do you feel that God has a plan for your life? Absolutely! The difficult thing however, will be letting him take ahold of my family plan and do what he will. We have many fears as I discussed above, and concerns about finances that would make us second guess a decision like that. I would be easier to pursuade than my husband...

What has been the hardest moment of your life so far? This is a hard one for me, because much of what I have recently experienced has been a fairly easy transition for me. Becoming a mother reiterated my calling, and although stopping my career for my little man wasn't an easy decision at first, it ended up being a simple move once it happened. I would say the greatest and hardest moment(s) in my life are happening now. The moments in which I am evaluting my own life, trading in my own defenses to take up a following with Christ. Changing things that do not fit His plan can be a difficult thing at times and being steadfast and strong while keeping my head pointed upward is so rewarding... but a challange at the same time. No one ever said being a Christian was easy!

How amazing that the Krafts were granted 13 days with their precious baby boy. Samuel was able to experience so much love and warmth from his family while he was here on earth. A beautiful baby, created perfectly by God's hand... too lovely for this world.

Read With Us - Chapter 1

Join us with Holly's reading group as we continue with our chosen book In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me. See my left sidebar for book details.

Chapter 1


I wanted to share something that was weighing on my heart while I read the first chapter of Lynnette's story.

I was very drawn to what Lynnette was saying about being a "charity case". God using the love and generosity of other people to shed rays of kindness onto Lynnette and her husband. I recently read Bob Lenz's book entitled Grace. Bob is an international speaker for Life! Promotions. I had the priviledge of unknowingly attended a sermon presented by Bob at our church Pathways, he spoke about God's grace. He illustrating his passion about how we receive grace and how it has nothing to do with what we can offer to Christ. He has one specific chapter of his book entitled Charity Case (Chapter 3). I was pulled right back to this book when I read Lynnette's closing in chapter one. Being a charity case is all about becoming a christian. While Lynnette used the name to describe the state of her well being when receiving such generous offerings from church peers - Bob expresses Christians as needing to be a charity case in order to receive grace from God. We need to admit that we have nothing. Nothing that we have can give us a pass into heaven. It's about accepting His unconditional love. It's about allowing ourselves to receive the gift that He is offering - a gift that we do not deserve and have not earned. I highly recommend reading 'Grace', it's a book that tells it like it is!

"When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners." Romans 5:6

Now backing it up a bit to Holly's questions:

If you are married, what was your marriage like in the beginning?

Paul and I were married Catholic in 2007. We decided to get married in a Catholic church because Paul already was confirmed catholic, however I was not. Honestly, at the time getting married Catholic was the easier thing to do rather than finding a church that we wanted to belong to. Another thing that we are not proud of, was willingly waiting to join a church until we had kids. We knew we wanted to instill religious values into our children... however we assumed that we didn't need them. Poor choice there! I remember on our "FOCUS" training, a program you need to complete in order for the catholic faith to marry you, we had to take a 100 question multiple choice "survey" - really, it was a test. It was to see if there were any areas/factors in our lives that might become a problem for us. These tests are a tool that the church uses to bring up issues that could potentially cause a marriage to fail (ie. children, family issues, finances, religious beliefs etc.) They want you to discuss the issues prior to marriage. Paul and I scored the poorest on our religious beliefs. Paul and I never really discussed them before. We knew that we both believed in God and that Jesus died for our sins, we knew we wanted our children to believe the same... but that was about it (much like Lynnette described). Even though that test spelled it out that we needed to have a good long talk... we didn't actually have that talk until just recently!

When did you first decide you wanted to have children? Was it planned or unplanned?

Wanting children was a big thing for us. We definitely were on the same page about wanting to start a family. When we were married, we had decided that we wanted to start having kids within three years. However, two months after we got married, Paul's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Paul and I made the decision that we wanted our children to know who their grandmother was and when it came down to it - what were we waiting for? So within four months after we tied the knot - we were pregnant. It took only one attempt!

What feelings did you have for your child when you first found out you were pregnant?

Oh my goodness - the feeling was overwhelming. As I mentioned earlier in the post, it was feeling that was completely out of my control. I found out we were pregnant within 10 days after we conceived and I was so excited. Read that crazy story here! It took about 4 weeks before I started to think about all the bad things that could happen (I let myself go to the hormones). I took several pregnancy tests within the 1st trimester to alleviate any doubt. But I was more exhilarated than worried. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mother and I am so priviledged to have the option to be one.

At what point in your life did you start searching for God?

Lynnette begins to talk about her happy marriage with Kyle and the moment that they decided they needed more in their lives. It was a similar experience for me. Although Lynnette became a christian while still pregnant, I had my awakening after my child was born. I saw that I could not do this on my own, nor did I want to do this on my own.

Lynnette had commented on my Taking The Back Seat post, saying "God used my first son to draw me (and my husband) to himself. There's just something about having a child depend on you...look up to you. You have this huge amount of love, but you also have a sudden awareness of needing the guidance of the one who really knows what that little life needs...what you need. I'm so glad that God gave you that baby to draw you closer to his side." There is something remarkable that happens to you when you become a mother. This greater level of emotions take over your whole being, you can't control it. I had to say to myself, "If I have this overwhelming amount of unconditional love for this little boy, then God's love for me must be beyond fathomable."

Has there been a time in your life that God provided?

Paul and I became a "charity case" in the summer of 2005. Paul had been unexpectedly let go from his job. We had a decision to make about our future, should he go find a job elsewhere - or go back to school to finish an uncompleted degree. While we chose the latter, it left us in a difficult financial position. Paul's parents graciously invited us into their home while Paul completed school. My income alone could never sustain the two of us in an unnecessarily expensive deluxe apartment in downtown Milwaukee. So, we moved out and moved into Paul's parents house. We are very grateful for the selflessness of these two people that allowed us to save our money, and give their son a chance to finish his degree. We wouldn't be where are today if they hadn't reached out kindly to help us along. At the time I didn't give thanks to God for his mercy in providing for us, however now I looking at my life through a new pair of eyes. I recognize his glory now.

Read With Us - Intro & Prologue

In Faithfullness, He Afflicted Me Written by: Lynnette Kraft

You are welcome to join in on my weekly reading group hosted by Holly at Caring for Carleigh.

Introduction & Prologue

I believe I can speak for most when I say that the prologue was quite reviting. I was torn between continuing to read on into Chapter One or taking a moment to reflect on what I read as well as Holly's question.

I have not lost a child of my own. I can only imagine that if I were faced with a situation similar to what Lynnette and her husband experienced with Anna, I would have reacted the very same way. By my own nature, I would see myself taking the position of Kyle. He was more vocal and expressing his thoughts, frustrations and prayer out loud. As Lynnette said, I have no doubt that the same thoughts, frustrations and prayers were going through her own mind. What I was able to relate to was her description of the devastating 45 minutes with Anna - "surreal; frantic; nervous; nightmare."

What I want to reflect on is something that I heard from a few mothers who have experienced the loss of a child. And that is a moment of peace amidst panic, grief and the inevitable truth that their child is/will be leaving this world. I have read mother's describe this moment as "a strange peace", "I was at peace", "I felt a calming, and knew that God was with me." I believe that God is presenting himself in the physical sense, laying His hand upon the weary, saying "She is with Me now, Child. That is where I have always meant for her to be." I suppose in that very peaceful moment that He gives his people, they become aware that God has called their child and is/will be holding them in heaven. A moment to accept that their child was too precious for this earthly world and will waiting to see them again. on the other side of heaven. It is a moment of settling clarity where a mother who is now standing amongst the debris and dust from the earthquake that just shuck her life, can truly feel God's presence. He is there whether we chose to receive this calmness, or refuse to accept the truth at that moment and brush the feeling aside for later.

Have there been times in your life that God has shown he cares or that He is near?

I know that God cares and is always there. I knew this before I began my personal relationship with him. What I am ashamed to admit is that prior to getting serious about Christ, I didn't give God's plan much thought. I suppose that would be because I have not experienced a devastating loss in my adult life, by that I mean losing a parent, child, or close friend. So I was never in a position where I doubted His path for me (not that I have any right to). My eyes have been opened since accepting Christ into my life and the veil has been lifted. I know that the world will give me my share of trails and tribulations. I know I will find God at the center of my life. I know I will have His word and His warriors to surround me, much like Lynnette to help support and guide me. In the present time, I am rejoicing for everyway that God shows His love in my family and by allowing me to receive his wonderful grace and forgiveness even though I have not earned it, even though I do not deserve it.

Which direction to face? UP!

I don't believe I have mentioned before that my husband experienced a salary cut earlier this year. Basically, that cut neurtalized the raise he received last fall. Oshkosh Corperation is a large company that owns several other companies all relating to the same thing - the manufacturing of trucks - all kinds. (Can you tell I am not very savvy in the understandings of the business?) This past year, Oshkosh Corp. lost a bid with the Dept. of Defense which then caused a downward spiral for all the companies that they owned. My husband works for Pierce Manufacturing where they construct fire trucks. In addition to the pay cut earlier this year (or winter of 2008, can't quite remember), Oshkosh Corp was forced to cut some 10% of its employment status - which means several people lost their jobs.

Thankfully, Paul wasn't one of them. At the end of spring, another company wide salary cut was put into place bringing the cutbacks to 9% for Pierce Mfg., even higher for Oshkosh Corp. itself. A ferlow system was put into place to help make up for losses. This mandate meant that everyone would be taking required time off without pay. We watched as Oshkosh Stock plummeted from $66 down to $3.85 in the matter of a year. In the past eight months, thankfully it has slowly creeped back to $14.50. At least it's the direction we want to see - UP!

Paul came home with a smile yesterday informing me that Oshkosh Corp. WON the new $1.1 Billion contract with the Dept. of Defense for a M-ATV Truck delivery order. While I have absolutely no idea what a M-ATV truck is - I do know what this contract means. It means the direction of the company will continue to go UP! It means that the pending layoffs and salary cuts should not be necessary, it means that there is a high chance that the employee salaries should return to normal and it means that the Stock should also go UP. As of 7pm Tuesday night, it jumped from $14.50 to $18.47. That is a 27% increase in only a matter of hours.

What does this mean for our family? If Paul's salary returns in full, we won't have to put everything on hold anymore. Our spirits about our immediate future will go UP! We have so many plans for our family's future, beginning with expanding it! We were hoping that our finances would allow us to start trying for another baby by this fall. I know many of you out there know how tight living can become when you are supporting a family with only one income. I am sure many out there are have no income at all. There has been quite a bit of pressure of Paul!

We are rejoicing in God's mercy that things didn't get really bad for us. And certainly, they could have gotten alot worse! I am fully aware that we will continue to experience ups and downs in our life and I know that God will be there to guide us along the way. We will find His encouragement and support should our plans for more children be not His plans. We will hold onto his coat tails all the while keeping our faces - UP!

"Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." - Matthew 6:31-33

Referrence:

An article stating more on Oshkosh Corperation below


http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124641012262877425.html?ru=yahoo

Wednesday's Walk - God Finds A Way

Please join Lynnette and the rest of us for Wednesday's Walk Down Memory Lane...
This week I would like repost my Saturday's post. Saturday marked 21 years since we lost my baby brother and Jesus gained an angel.

GOD FINDS A WAY

Adam Michael was born on June 27th, 1988. He weighed over seven pounds and had a head full of dark hair. This pregnancy was the third for my mother, who already had my older brother and myself. There was no need for concern in the months that led up to delivery. But then, pregnant women didn't receive routine ultrasounds at that time either.

Adam came into this world a perfectly beautiful baby boy. He was whole and just as a baby should be when born. Except he wasn't fully whole on the inside. Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is birth defect that effects 1600 babies in the US alone. The diaphragm, which normally closes in the third month of pregnancy, fails to completely form. This hernia then allows bodily organs to extend up into the chest cavity. More often seen on the left side of the body, the intestines and stomach enter up into the cavity and prevent the lungs and heart from forming properly. This was the case for Adam. His heart was pushed to the side and his lungs (which develop late in utero) were not developed enough to allow him to breathe well. Adam died shortly before 1 day old. He would have been 21 today.

God has touched our whole family with Adam's presence. I am still being touched today as I have brought my own son into this world. Jackson's middle name was in honor of my brother. Jackson Adam. Becoming a mother of my own makes me feel the impact in a whole new way. He was miracle baby because he was conceived after my mother's tube ligation. God finds a way!

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Search and Resource:

Twenty years ago, there were no screening tests to detect a disorder such as congenital diaphragmatic hernia. Thanks to today's research and funding, the success rate that was once 0% in 1988, has dramatically risen.

Sited from a website for Shands Health Care

http://www.realhopeforcdh.com/:

"CDH is a life threatening birth defect in which the diaphragm does not completely form, allowing some of the contents of the abdomen to protrude into the chest and hinder the normal growth of lung tissue. CDH affects approximately one in 3000 babies, and the national survival rate for babies born with CDH falls between 50% and 65%.

Dr. Kays and the pediatric surgery faculty at the University of Florida have a 92% SURVIVAL RATE for CDH babies born at Shands. He credits much of their success to being at the right place at the right time, to the "gentle ventilation" technique that they use, and to his training from Drs. Charlie Stolar and Jen Wung at Columbia University. He also acknowledges the critical support and guidance he has received from Drs. James L. Talbert, Professor Emeritus and Dr. Max R. Langham, Jr., Professor and Chief, Division of Pediatric Surgery."

While not all babies are eligable for the procedures that Shands offers, we have to rejoice that there have been medical advancements.

I read a story of a mother who opted for an experientmental operation. You can read this story in Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother's Soul, pg. 133, Miracle Baby. At the Fetal Treatment Center at University of California San Francisco - in Feb. of 1996, the mother underwent orthoscopic surgery in attempts to help the lungs form. She was 28 weeks along.

Here was the idea behind the operation:

"As babies develop inside the uterus, fluid forms in their lungs and flows out their mouths, contributing to the amniotic fluid that cushions and protects the growing fetus. Dr. Harrison proposed to use this very fluid to help the mother's baby's lungs grow bigger. The surgeon would temporarily close off the baby's trachea. The fluid would then build up inside his lungs, and the mounting pressure would cause them to expand like inflated balloons." pg.134-135

Dr. Harrison was able to use a sonographer to maneuver the baby face up and began his procedure orthoscopically. He proceeded to cut into the baby's throat and clamp his trachea with a titanium clip. The clamp would need at least 7 weeks to heal and allow time for the lungs to expand. While the mother and baby did have a few complications afterwards, the baby was born nine weeks premature. Baby Samuel did survive and is a healthy baby boy today.

"For nothing is impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Amen

I Am Transformed

My goodness - amazing is the transformation of motherhood. Everyone told me during my pregnancy (and before) that becoming a mother changes your life. Of course, I never denied the fact - but there is absolutely no way to fully understand the magnitude of the metamorphosis that takes place. My mind, my heart and my soul (every fiber of my being) has been lifted to whole new level of emotions. I have always been a compassionate person who was caring and considerate for other people, but how naive was I? Now standing on the opposite side of fence (or should I say baby gate?) - I can definitely say I was very naive!

No one can resist a baby. I don't care if you're the toughest, macho man alive - a gummy grin from any squirmy little baby just warms your heart. Everything from their innocents, to their tiny adorable features, to their complete dependency, make babies irresistible! I knew all this before having one of my own, but something definitely turned on in my soul that very moment I became a mother.

We had moved out of town in January 08. Until September of 08, I spent half of the week at my parent's house so that I could work for 3 days and then I made the 2 hour drive home where I spent the remaining portion of the week. When I became 9 months pregnant, I stopped working and commuting to spent the remainder of my pregnancy getting the house (and myself) ready for baby. I had a lot of time to imagine how my life was going to change. What would it be like to finally have this little baby, who has been making a home inside of me for 9 months, here on the outside - in my arms and in our lives. I was consumed with "Pregnancy" books from conception to 7-8 months. Then I realized I hadn't the slightest clue as to what I was suppose to do when my little man finally arrived. So I took a break from that content and focused on "Baby" books. I had no idea how much/often a baby is suppose to eat, suppose to sleep, suppose to poo/pee... how would I ever design a system that worked? How would I know what my child needed? Well - I read everything out there... and barely remembered any of it when my son was born! Naturally, the last month of my pregnancy was back to focusing on the inevitable - there was only 1 way out of this predicament... how in the world is my body going to DO THAT?

Well - my body DID THAT and thankfully went back to normal after a few too many post partum complications that I wasn't ready for. I actually surprised myself as to how calm I was when I realized - "this is it!". I had just my 39 week OB check up and was starting to contract on the way home. Within a few hours I was back at the hospital, dressed in a gown and hooked up to a couple different IVs. Sparing a bit of unpleasant details that many of us will never forget... my son was born after 40 mins. of pushing. The first wave of reality hit me when my OB placed my son on my abdomen and I felt the weight of his son on top of me. I remember thinking he felt much heavier that I would have anticipated (only weighed 7lbs. 3oz). But when that weight was inside of you, it's completely different. He didn't cry right away so the nurse took him to the "warming station" - as I like to call it - and got him crying in no time. I was jealous because my husband got to watch them clean him off and take his first breath. After a few minutes they brought my son back to me, wrapped in a number of blankets and the tiny pink and blue striped hospital hat. It didn't seem real to me. Everything from that evening had progressed so fast and I couldn't have imagined at 3pm earlier that day that I would have delivered my son later that night. The second wave of reality hit me when I unwrapped his blankets and placed him skin to skin on my chest, he lifted his head up and stared right into my face. I was speechless, breathless and amazed - I can only imagine that these emotions I had welling up inside of me, would be a fraction of what seeing God face to face would feel like. That moment I will never forget. My husband actually captured that moment on film and I will forever have it on my nightstand table. I told my husband - "That was the moment my entire life changed".

From that moment on I was indited into the Hall of Motherhood. And everyday since I have come to experience yet another duty of my motherly role. In the beginning, I was overwhelmed by these new emotions that were flooding my system. I couldn't believe how much I loved this little boy. I was certainly in love when I was pregnant, but that multiplied when I have him in your arms. Naturally, the hormones would bring on a good cry at least every other day. We struggled with breastfeeding for the first week, that was very hard on me. It was something I just didn't think would be so difficult. I was told ahead of time "It's a learned skill and it takes time", well that never sunk in - because it was A LOT more challenging that I anticipated. I remember having a serious melt down after a failed attempt one afternoon and my husband tried to gather the shattered pieces that were left of me after bawling. I simply said "But I just love him so much!" through my snot ridden tears. My son would not stay latched on and I was cracked and bleeding since the first feeding in the hospital. Each attempt was horrendously painful and had a low success rate of completely a feeding which was even more depressing. The next week got better and eventually we got the hang of how it was suppose to work. I would say that was my first challenge as a mother. I refused to give up. I don't have anything against formula feeding, I just knew that breastfeeding was for me - and I wasn't going to doubt my decision. I needed to keep trying for my son. I overcame that obstacle.

My second challenge came when my son was 3 weeks old. I was hosting a holiday at our new house. I truly wanted (and fully intended) on being a good host for both sides of our immediate families. But I didn't realize how much I desperately wanted to be with my son that day as well. It was wonderful that everyone got their chance to hold the baby and socialize. I had intended on making the selected foods and setting the table, getting out the drinks - and didn't do any of it. My mind was so scatter brained because every time I heard my son crying, I would lose track of what I was trying to accomplish. My mother and sister in law took over the dinner prep while I ran between feeding my son and changing diapers - passing him to another family member, picking up after the nephews and being a bit overwhelmed at how loud and chaotic my house was. My parents and in laws tried to tell me this would be difficult as a "mom of only 3 weeks" before the holiday and I wouldn't listen. I wanted to celebrate Thanksgiving in our new home for both of our families, with our new baby. But my biggest challenge was at one point of the night when my son was inconsolable. My mother in law (bless her heart) took my son into his nursery and trying rocking him to sleep (he wasn't able to sleep prior due to the loud atmosphere that he wasn't accustomed to). I knew she wanted to help me because she knew he needed to sleep, but I could hear him crying from the kitchen and it broke my heart. My husband knew something was upsetting me and I starting crying to him saying I just wanted to hold my baby, he needed me. (Or in reality - I need him). I couldn't get him to sleep any better than my mother in law could have, but it made me feel like I was doing my job by rocking him myself.

I have spent that last 7 months watching the gift that God has sent to me and my husband, grow and start to explore. I am a nut with the video camera and digital camera. There isn't one thing I have not documented either on film or on this blog or his many baby books. We have seen my son start to follow objects with his eyes, to making eye contact (oh - how excited we were when he actually "looked" to us). Those first smiles were so amazing and every one that follows is just has precious. He transformed from a tiny, slow moving rooting newborn to an active, attached, happy 7 month old baby. He is sitting up and reaching out. He "talks" all day long and lights up when either my husband or I walk into sight.

I have not just leaped - I have actually catapulted up the ladder of patience and understanding. Prior to having my son, screaming babies at restaurants drove me crazy. Now - I don't even hear it! Seeing a toddler acting out at the grocery store, before I would think "Man, lady - control your kid!" Now I think "Oh, that poor Mom, she must be have a hard day." This new acceptance of tolerance I have now did not develop with time. I just "turn on" the first time I went into public with my son. Like I said, a whole new level of emotions come with motherhood - patience and understanding being right up there with love and tenderness. I have even adopted the "Mommy sway". This is my name for the motion a mother does while holding a child. She simply sways slowly from side to side. I notice I still do this even when I am not holding my son. HA! I can not wait for the day that I hear "Mama". Or for the time when he will again lay his head on my shoulder and fall asleep in my arms. He is too interactively distracted to get sleepy while I hold him. I can not wait to see everything unfold.

I have enjoyed every minute of motherhood. I have taken on the early hardships of breastfeeding and the ability to fall asleep on command due to lack of sleep, with every gummy smile and burst of laughter that are projected from my little baby. I love this little man so much and I can not imagine ever going back to the life I led before his arrival. He has helped direct me back to Christ and I have been transformed! I know God will fulfill my potential as a mother and teach my son the way of Christ. My love for my son is unconditional and never ending - quite like the love that God has for all of us. Only his love surpasses my capabilities.

Wednesday's Walk - Taking the Back Seat

I came across this weekly testimony and it lead me to the creator's blog. Wednesday's Walk was designed by Lynnette Kraft. She tells her story of how she, along with her family, have found peace and happiness after loss and heartache. Lynnette has accepted God to take over her life and has allowed him to use her as His vessel. I was inspired reading through her blog and I wanted to participate in her Wednesday's Walk - down memory lane. So here I go:

This memory lane doesn't take me back very far, but will be the most important memory that I keep safe. This is the most personal I have gotten on this blog thus far! I suppose I am referring to my life before God decided to make me a mother. What I am going to talk about, I feel is very common among teenagers and young adults (I know we saw the common thread at our Pre Marital Catholic Retreat). Before I got pregnant, I was without a doubt living my life for myself. When I met Paul and we decided to make a life together - you could say I started to live for him as well. But all in all, my life a self centered universe. I am absolutely ashamed to say it, but I put God on hold until I knew I would being starting a family. I suppose I figured I didn't need God highly present in my life because I didn't have children yet and I didn't have any responsibilities that extended beyond my own well being. I am sad to say - that is exactly what I did.

I guess when I was at that stage in my life where I had a job and was making money, I was healthy, I had a partner to share my life with - I just didn't need anything else. More or less, that may have my view on God, I didn't need anything, so there was nothing to ask Him for. I didn't turn my praises Heavenward to glorify Him when good things happened to me. Certainly, it was I who brought on my own good fortune! Or if not me - than certain this world did! I didn't need help with anything, so I assumed there was no reason to talk to God.... How horrible that sounds to me as I am typing it out.... there was no reason to talk to God. My goodness - How incredible is HE - to be able to forgive my stupid assumptions.

So, God waited patiently while I lived my life for this world. He sat all the while in the back seat (probably shaking his head at me) until I deemed it convenient to ask Him into my life. I know that He has forgiven my ignorant decision and I am thankful that He has allowed me time to recognize my salvation. I am ashamed that I put Christ aside until I thought I needed him -

I suppose that is why it hit like a ton a bricks when that moment came... The realization of what I was choosing to overlook - the realization of what I could have in my life - the shame of waiting to accept Christ was overbearing.

My needs started to come and they came fast when I found out I was pregnant. That is when I started to pray. Lord - please deliver me a healthy baby, please make my pregnancy go smoothly, please allow this baby to develop without complication. I thanked him for my child, and giving us a baby so quickly, every night before falling asleep. I felt the connection between God and I starting to grow, as my baby was growing inside me - the baby that He made possible and entrusted me with - however I still chose not to ask for Him to guide my life. I wanted Him to guide my baby's - sure! I wanted Him to make my delivery safe and successful. I wanted a healthy baby from Him, AND THE BABY WAS!! But still... turning my cheek as He waited for me to ask the question that would save my life.

And then came the time when I delivered this healthy baby boy and my world flip upside down! When my son lifted his head on my chest and looked straight into my face, the entire world dissolved around us. I didn't hear any of the commotion in the room, I didn't notice what the OB was doing, I didn't realize I had forgotten to breathe. This was my son! And the weight of his body on mine had made it all physically and emotionally real. No denying it - this baby was finally in my arms. I was a mother and this was my child - the child that God gave me. He trusts me to raise this child the way He wants - to guide this child down His path and ultimately back into His arms again. It is an overwhelming rush of emotions when you see your baby for the first time. And that feeling of "Ok God - I really need you now!" was way more intense than I anticipated. I don't like that it took that much to happen to me, to realize what my life was missing - but I have lied that guilt onto Him and He has taken it from me. If He can forgive me, I have to also.

With the combination of being a mother of a healthy child, recognizing other mothers who are not and having a scare of when my son fell - I was ready. I was ready to let God take my wheel and stir my life. I was ready to turn myself around and ask Christ to lead me. He is here now and I am grateful. Gone are the days when I put myself first. Gone are the days when only my issue took precedence in my life. My priorities have all been switched around! My relationship with God is number one - without Him, no other relationship would be complete. My marriage and my child(ren), my family - these are my priorities.

I am going to be the best mother / wife that God can make of me. I am thankful He is here in my life and driving my car. And for once... I can ride in the back seat!