The talk of baby number two has been around our house for quite awhile. Paul and I knew from the start that we wanted to have our children close in age (who doesn't, right?) We had discussed our desire to start trying again when Jackson turned one year old. That time is fast approaching!
I had stopped breastfeeding Jackson when he turned 10 months, and was expecting my cycle to start up again shortly after. It actually took 5 weeks to start up again. I was anticipating this dreadful period full of heavy flow, horrible cramps and long lasting... thankfully, it was none of that.
So this was perfect. I had two months to allow my body to regulate itself so we would be ready to start trying. Well, I started tracking my ovulation after that first period on day 12. (A normal 28 day cycle = ovulation around day 14). Day 12 - no ovulation. Day 14 - no ovulation. Day 18 - no ovulation. Day 20 - no ovulation. I began ovulating on Day 22! My goodness, that means this first cycle is a whopping 44 days long!! At least that's how I am calculating it.
This has been weighing my mind for months now and I was never sure to publish it or not... so I just decided to go ahead and let it loose...
Now, if any of you know me, or have read my stuff before, you will know that my desire to have a little girl is no secret. So many couples have trouble trying to conceive a child, and here I am trying to create my own destiny. I have never asked God for a baby girl. I would never do that. He knows my heart, he knows my desires. I feel horrible that I have this strong need to mother a baby girl, when many couples have yet to be blessed with a child. I am being extremely presumptuous to think that I will get pregnant as fast as we did the first time. I suppose because that's all I know, I just figure it will happen that way again... how ignorant!
There are just so many things to experience that are unique to the mother of a daughter. Most of them are selfish on my part. Dressing your little girl in all things girly, taking her shopping for a prom dress, being there while she plans her wedding, being the Mother of the Bride, being there through her pregnancies. In most cases - a woman is going to confide in her own mother before approaching her mother in law.
Like I stated in the beginning, I know God has my life written down in stone. He knows the decisions I will make, the mistakes I make and the life I will lead. He already has my family picked out and He knows if I will have a daughter in my life. If I know all this, why do I still feel the need to create my own future? Is it wrong to take simple theoretical actions to greater my chances of having a daughter? By this, I mean trying to conceive on specific days around ovulation to try and manipulate the process, (hence needing a regular period) eating certain foods to change the pH levels in my body and using appropriate positions to sway the outcome. I would never do anything medically (if that even exists) to try for a certain gender. I don't know if it perfectly fine to try these techniques (since they aren't going to persuade God's Will), or if it's wrong of me. I know it is a moot point, but why do I have a strong urge to just try? Does that mean that I don't really believe His Will be done? If feel like I am telling Him, "I know you have a plan for me Lord, but if you would just me try this one little thing..." And there He is, folding his arms across his chest, shaking his head saying, "Oh, you poor poor child. Why do you have such little faith?" And yet, I find myself coming back to the same thing... if I could just make my own attempt to have a baby girl. And if I have another son (whom I adore to the highest of Heaven), then I will know that I wasn't meant to be. And I will love God for giving me another son and I will love my new baby boy much as I love my son.
Why do I feel this way? If I am feeling guilty about these desires, does that mean that it probably isn't right?
I am so taken over by this. I wrote the majority of this post back in May 2009. I still don't know if making my selfishness public to everyone is a good thing or not. I am torn. Please don't judge me.