Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Putting It All Out There...

The talk of baby number two has been around our house for quite awhile. Paul and I knew from the start that we wanted to have our children close in age (who doesn't, right?) We had discussed our desire to start trying again when Jackson turned one year old. That time is fast approaching!

I had stopped breastfeeding Jackson when he turned 10 months, and was expecting my cycle to start up again shortly after. It actually took 5 weeks to start up again. I was anticipating this dreadful period full of heavy flow, horrible cramps and long lasting... thankfully, it was none of that.

So this was perfect. I had two months to allow my body to regulate itself so we would be ready to start trying. Well, I started tracking my ovulation after that first period on day 12. (A normal 28 day cycle = ovulation around day 14). Day 12 - no ovulation. Day 14 - no ovulation. Day 18 - no ovulation. Day 20 - no ovulation. I began ovulating on Day 22! My goodness, that means this first cycle is a whopping 44 days long!! At least that's how I am calculating it.

This has been weighing my mind for months now and I was never sure to publish it or not... so I just decided to go ahead and let it loose...

Now, if any of you know me, or have read my stuff before, you will know that my desire to have a little girl is no secret. So many couples have trouble trying to conceive a child, and here I am trying to create my own destiny. I have never asked God for a baby girl. I would never do that. He knows my heart, he knows my desires. I feel horrible that I have this strong need to mother a baby girl, when many couples have yet to be blessed with a child. I am being extremely presumptuous to think that I will get pregnant as fast as we did the first time. I suppose because that's all I know, I just figure it will happen that way again... how ignorant!

There are just so many things to experience that are unique to the mother of a daughter. Most of them are selfish on my part. Dressing your little girl in all things girly, taking her shopping for a prom dress, being there while she plans her wedding, being the Mother of the Bride, being there through her pregnancies. In most cases - a woman is going to confide in her own mother before approaching her mother in law.

Like I stated in the beginning, I know God has my life written down in stone. He knows the decisions I will make, the mistakes I make and the life I will lead. He already has my family picked out and He knows if I will have a daughter in my life. If I know all this, why do I still feel the need to create my own future? Is it wrong to take simple theoretical actions to greater my chances of having a daughter? By this, I mean trying to conceive on specific days around ovulation to try and manipulate the process, (hence needing a regular period) eating certain foods to change the pH levels in my body and using appropriate positions to sway the outcome. I would never do anything medically (if that even exists) to try for a certain gender. I don't know if it perfectly fine to try these techniques (since they aren't going to persuade God's Will), or if it's wrong of me. I know it is a moot point, but why do I have a strong urge to just try? Does that mean that I don't really believe His Will be done? If feel like I am telling Him, "I know you have a plan for me Lord, but if you would just me try this one little thing..." And there He is, folding his arms across his chest, shaking his head saying, "Oh, you poor poor child. Why do you have such little faith?" And yet, I find myself coming back to the same thing... if I could just make my own attempt to have a baby girl. And if I have another son (whom I adore to the highest of Heaven), then I will know that I wasn't meant to be. And I will love God for giving me another son and I will love my new baby boy much as I love my son.

Why do I feel this way? If I am feeling guilty about these desires, does that mean that it probably isn't right?

I am so taken over by this. I wrote the majority of this post back in May 2009. I still don't know if making my selfishness public to everyone is a good thing or not. I am torn. Please don't judge me.



Jennifer said...

April, I was in your shoes just 2 years ago! I was using the Shettles method trying to conceive a baby girl, because in my selfishness I thought I NEEDED to have a baby girl. When we began TTC our first, I got pregnant after one month of trying. I was sure that I could just do a few simple things to "sway" things for a baby girl, but after six months of TTC #2, I realized that I needed to stop all of the temping, and planning and "stalking" of my body. I don't think that I was doing anything wrong, but I do think that I needed to realize that any child would be a blessing to our family and I thanked God for the family I have and ask that his will be done. It is so crazy in this day and time that we have so much information. God has given us all of these things, but also he is all knowing. He will give us what we can handle, and in that we should be greatful! I don't think that is wrong of us to "try" to move things in our favor, we may just be making God's plans easier :)
But, I did have a bit of a hard time after Ian was born. I knew that he was my last baby and I was sure that I was having a girl... I was almost in shock when he was born and they told me I had another boy. I was immediately in love with him and so thankful that I had a healthy baby, but I also had a sense of loss. I was so sad that I wasn't going to do all of the mother/daughter things I had always imagined doing. I have since began talkin to my boys daily about choosing a wife who will let me help plan the wedding and being there when we have babies! :P
However, Scott and I have begin talking about fostering children and possibly adopting a girl. It will all work out as God plans!
Good luck!

Veronica said...

April...I totally appreciate your honesty and I don't think you're in wrong for making your desires known publicly. God knows your heart and sees everything.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't want a boy. My hubby used to think it was so important for us to have a son, esp since we're Hispanic and we would have someone to carry on our last name.

Now that I'm pregnant again, all I want is a healthy child. I know the Lord knows our desires, but at the same time He knows the plans he has for us.

I guess all I would really suggest to you is that if you feel like doing specific things to augment the chances of having a girl is going to cause you to feel bad, then just pray that the Lord help you to figure out what the right thing to do is. I am confident he will guide you in the right direction if you make him a part of it!

Paige said...

Thanks for being so honest with your desires for a baby girl. When I was pregnant with Tatum I wanted a baby girl so bad that I just "knew" she was a boy. We were so surprised to find out we were wrong. After losing her, I prayed and prayed for a healthy baby and pregnancy and that if that wasn't in God's plan for me that I would not get pregnant. For me that meant if I didn't get pregnant on my own, then I wouldn't do anything to interfere. Before we even started to try again I started to test for ovulation just so I would know when the time came....and what do you know... for 3 months I NEVER got a positive. I talked to my dr. and he suggested Clomid- I prayed for the Lord to give me an answer that I could understand on what He wanted me to do. I found out I was pregnant just a few weeks later. Anyhow, I understand your desire for a baby girl. But I also consider ANY baby one of God's greatest blessings. His plan is already been etched in stone for you and only He knows what you need! I would say to continue to pray about it and to listen for an answer- if you are so distraught about it right now i think that might be a reasonable answer! Any baby that God sends you will be a true joy!!

Burtons Blessings said...

You are right. God already knows and has your family planned. I don't think it is wrong or bad to "try" for a girl. What happens will happen.
I know my husband is ready to start trying for #2 but I'm not. He even said i could stay at home if we would start trying! Very tempting, but he travels a lot and I just don't think i could manage two babies! At the same time i am afraid it will take longer than expected to get pregnant with #2. I would ideally like to be pregnant when he turns 2 but God may have different plans.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, you are not alone!

Holly said...

I really don't see anything wrong in trying to do the things to get a girl. I mean, it's all theoretical so it doesn't hurt to try. I don't think it would be scoffing at God or showing your don't have faith or trust Him.

I really want another girl and honestly would love to just have all girls, but I know that if God gave me a boy I would love him very much. Doesn't stop me from wishing though!!

Veronica said...

Hey! Just had to come back because I was thinking about what you had mentioned on your post this afternoon and I wanted to mention one more thing. You mentioned that your first cycle back after nursing was a long one. That is totally normal and it should go back to being what it usually was before you had Jackson. We actually practice Natural Family Planning, so I have gotten used to charting and I'm pretty familiar with the change in your cycle after baby. Anyhow...it's an awesome feeling just to understand your body better and I've really come to appreciate and understand my body better since we started NFP after we had Audrey.

the Spocks said...

I applaud for putting it all out there. I doubt if I could be half as brave.

I would the info on children that you had a previous post. My daughter is 16 months so she is sort of in between. You can just click on my user name and it will email me.
Thanks. Sarabeth

croleyc69 said...

What a great post & I'm so glad you just put it all out there. I know how much fun it is to have a girl & I really hope you get to have one. I have 3 of my own plus one step-daughter. This last time I really wanted a boy but after losing 2 before Carly it really didn't matter. My Ridge my only son who is so special to me was so easy about everything when he was little from teeth to those terrible 2's. I do love my girls and I will be praying for you April. {{HUGS}}

Kate said...

I don't really have any earth shattering advice, I guess I just live and let go. I think you know the real answer, God already knows what is going to happen.

HeatherOz said...

I don't think you are being selfish! I think it must be an internal mothering thing! When we decided to have a 4th baby, I really wanted a girl. I would have LOVED a little boy and would have been just fine if we had had a boy. On the day I was going to have the ultrasound to find out if it was a boy or a girl, I bought a little pink outfit at the store. Then later that day we found out it was a girl. Try not to beat yourself up! I say try the methods. What will it hurt?

HeatherOz said...

Oh! I forgot to tell you that you were the only one to notice that Daisy was pointing her finger at ME. I told her "No! No! Get down!" and she pointed her finger at me and told me "No! No!"
You can see why I needed your brother's behavior list!