My Hope, My Future

One year ago today, Jesus began leading me down a path that has contributed to the person I have become, and the person I am becoming.

" 'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord." - Jeremiah 29:11



I am beyond grateful that His plans have included this amazing, brown eyed little boy.


Happy Birthday, Jackson Adam
You are my Hope and my Future

Have YOU Laughed Today?

I can't believe jackson will be one tomorrow~ I am quite peeved that I have a cold! Sometimes it's hard to distinguish if it's a cold, or my allergies. Especially if the cold doesn't bring on a cough. When, since every morning I DO wake up with a sore throat despite zero coughing - I am chalking it up to a good old fashion cold. I started noticing symptoms 12 hours AFTER my flu shot. how lovely!

I am trying desperately to spare Jax from this cold for his birthday party, so I have been extremely diligent about washing my hands after each nose blow... which has gotten obsessive! I am sick of it! For the last three days, each day has gotten worse. So far, Jackson shows no signs of extracting my cold. But keeping my distance from his kisses has been HARD. Cross your fingers!

On top of being under the weather this week, I have been putting a load of pressure on myself about everything being perfect for Jackson's birthday party this weekend. I took on EVERY project myself. Because I couldn't find ANY birthday decorations with The Very Hungry Caterpillar theme - I have been making all the decorations by hand. I am also doing the cake myself! Can we please share a moment of prayer that that turns out? ;) I still have all the cleaning left to do and food preparations. I still have a few honey do projects for Romeo to finish for me. (Prayer for patience).

Our children only have 1 first birthday, and I really want everything to be memorable... for me :) He won't know the difference except that the house will be packed to the ceiling with people and when they leave - there will be alot of new toys that they "forgot" to take with them. :)

Gift bags for the child at the party. I bought the foam apple shapes in a package of 12 for $1.99 - clearance at Michaels. I lined the inside with orange napkins - on sale at Party America 50 count for $1.99. I filled the bags with a few age/gender appropriate grab bag items and some treats.

This HAND MADE banner is hanging in our kitchen, on the cathedral wall. I bought the scrap 12x12 cardstock at JoAnn Fabrics (on sale) and printed out the letter/photographs at home on photoshop. Since this photo was taken, I have added the little black legs to the caterpillar's (circle) body segments. Could you EVEN tell the bottom chain was a caterpillar? Each circle has a photograph of Jax at each month leading up to his 12 month professional photo.


We went to the Picture People last Saturday for his 1 year photos. The experience for Jackson was less than thrilling. He had a great morning and we were successful at doing everything we possibly could to make for a happy boy (nap and lunch prior) - but he was not a happy boy. So we are lucky to even have ONE good photo!
(not the greatest quality because I had to scan them in)

SO you will probably see my blog header/banner changing real soon :)

And....

If You Haven't Laughed Today....

I mopped the floor and couldn't resist the temptation to share with you my laughter!

only the first part is funny

I will share his birthday photos on my next post!

Wish us luck that Saturday goes well for everyone!

Always My Baby Man

On of my many projects to complete before we have company for jackson's first birthday is to finish our master bath. I am ashamed to admit that since we never decorated this bathroom, we never even had a decorative shower curtain hanging... just the cheap vinyl one :P


So I spend all of Jackson's nap today painting the trim/edging in the bathroom. I had taped it all yesterday and was going to get further today, until I realized that I didn't have a roller brush. I must have tossed the last one I had. So, it was just me and a paint brush!

A song came on the radio while I was painting. I don't listen to much country music these days so I decided to flip that on the radio. This particular song played a lot while I pregnant and I liked it at first, then was just over played.

"You're Gonna Miss This" By: Trace Adkins

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice placeShe says
It'll do for nowStarts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own. One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

-Chorus-
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

The part of the song that used to get me, was the second verse. Where the Dad is telling his daughter not to rush into starting a family. To just relax and enjoy being a married couple, just the two of them. When I was pregnant, I never once felt sad for the time we would no longer have as "just us two", but the idea had to settle... that in fact there would never be "just us two" any more.

But today as I heard the song, it wasn't the second verse that choked me up, this time it was the third verse. I was standing on top of the bathroom counter trying to paint where the wall met the ceiling, singing out loud and crying.

As Jackson's birthday is coming up in two weeks, I find myself thinking a lot about him as a baby. It wasn't long enough. I am going to miss these times. I will miss everything about it. All the bad things now that I wish would move on... I will wish I still had 10 years from now. This year went by way too fast for my comfort. I feel like once I finally get a handle on something... it changes! I get comfortable with a routine and Jax goes ahead and grows out of it. The plumber in the song still calls his 36 & 23 year olds "babies". And that breaks my heart.

Jackson will be 12 months in 12 days, he isn't a baby anymore. But this little man, no matter how old he is, will always be my Baby Man.

I WASN'T READY YET!

I know that with which each passing day, our children bring us so much joy and new experiences. I know that in the weeks to come, Jackson will be taking his first steps. There is so much to look forward to in the next coming year that I can't even wrap my mind around it. But on the same token, I am sad for the things I will never have again... at least not from him.

He grew out of so many things (not just clothing) before I was ready to say "Ok, we can be done with that now." It was hard that it wasn't MY decision to put them away. I wasn't ready to switch him from the newborn size diapers to the size 1. Didn't size 1 seem SO big compared to those tiny NB ones? This was the first of many that I had to say goodbye to before I was ready.

I knew the time was coming near to pack away his newborn clothes and pull out the 0-3 mos and 3-6 mos. So for about two weeks straight, I alternated my two favorite outfits on him. Just so that I felt better when I had to pack them away.

Before Jackson was 3 months old, his naps were quite sparatic. My favorite part of the day was sitting on the couch watching my soaps while Jax slept on my chest face down. I remember one time Paul came home from work, which is when I realized that Jackson and I had sitting on the couch for 4 hours without getting up. :) I would rub his back and feel his chest rise and fall with each breath. I knew at that time that I wasn't going to take it for granted. I knew it wouldn't be long before he wouldn't sleep on me anymore. So I did my best to soak it all in. When he was three months old, I made the difficult decision to start putting him in his crib for all the daytime naps. As much as I loved that time with him and craved for it, it was more important to me that he learned to sleep without me.

I used to love dancing with Jackson. I would still love to dance with him, if he would tolerate me :) But he doesn't have the patience to rock back and forth in my arms anymore. Most nights after his bath and before his bedtime bottle - I would turn on some music and sway with him in the living room. He's my little man, my Baby Man and as much as I want to him to grow up - I also don't want there to be distance between us. I just hope that as he does grow up... I also grow - into the idea of him being an individual and no longer completely dependant on me. But I'm not ready for the D word yet ;)

He recently went into a new big boy carseat. This also was a change for me. However, more of a good one. I had gotten to the point where I was just leaving the infant seat attached to base anyways because I couldn't lift it with Jackson in it any longer. Too darn heavy!!

This is Jax showing me how big is his in his new car seat.

I realized one day that I seriously needed to man up and just go buy him new pjs. Those 6-9 were hardly snapping anymore because he had outgrown them... but I didn't want to get 12 month size. I wasn't ready! I was at walmart looking at their fleece zip up sleepers. I couldn't believe how big that 12 month size looked to me! I took the hanger and actually "stood" the pjs on the floor to see how high the pjs came up on my leg. It came up to my upper thights. I was like "NO WAY, is he going to fit in this!" And the footies had grippies on them. I wasn't ready for him start walking! Well, seems my son has been growing underneath my nose without me realizing it :) They fit him almost perfectly. There's just a bit of room in the footies.

There is so much to look forward to. It just seems like a lifetime ago when we brought him home.

Unexpected Baby Trials

Update: Jackson is cutting his upper front right tooth!!

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We hadn't decided Jackson's name until after he was born. We knew for months that he would have my little brother's name, for a middle name.

But we liked several boy names and weren't in a hurry to chose one. We liked Christian, Cody, Owen, Cullen to name a few. It wasn't until the nurse was filling out the baby's birth certificate that she asked us the name. Paul and I looked at each other and we decided Jackson was it.

When we were able to hold the baby with all the comotion gone, there were many characteristics about him and Paul and I soaked right up. We immediately noticed his right ear, it looked a little funny :) We didn't know at the time that the ear just hadn't developed into final shape yet, it had an extra edge within it. This same ear has a dimple in the lobe, almost like a divet. Right off the bat, Jax had huge beautiful eyes. They took up his whole face. He had his father's hairline without any question, and my little nose.

In the next few weeks that followed, we took things slowly. There was alot of down time during the day because jackson didn't do much :) and I rested up from a rough recovery. I grew to look forward to each morning. Jackson was swaddled for quite some time (6 months actually). But I have NO doubt in my mind that this was the reason he was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks old. Every morning I would go to him and unwrap his swaddle. Jackson would hold his breath and immediately throw his arms above his head to stretch. In doing this, those tiny baby legs would curl up underneath him (as they always were in the womb) and he would make these adorable exhaling baby sounds. That stretch HAD to feel good after a night of restriction.

Jackson had HORRIBLE baby acne that lasted far too long. At 4 weeks on the dot - the rashes broke out all over his little face, his neck and upper chest, they were all over his head. Poor little guy lost all the hair on the top of his head!! He looked like a balding old man who only hair on the sides and back. His craddle cap was also an annoyance that didn't go away for a long time.

This blue and brown outfit was my favorite on him.

Jackson was the KING at spitting up! Everyone says "Oh yeah, my child did that too." Well, our son was excessive!! Going through 10 burp clothes and 6 bibs was a daily occurance. It made tummy time a hyndrance and delayed his sitting up skills. Everytime I would sit him up or lay him tummy down - the spit up would fly out of his mouth. I can't tell you how many videos we have of him just spitting up! UGH! This lasted from 2.5-6 months. I thought it would never end! I hated always covering up his adorable outfits with a bib.

Just a treat :)

Coming Home From The Hospital

As my son's 1st birthday draws near, I will be taking the time to write a few posts about what this year has been like for me. And so it continues...

Jackson and I were released from the hospital on Friday morning. We video taped getting Jax dressed in his real baby clothes for the first time. He was chilly, so small and I remember putting baby lotion on his tiny dried out feet. I put him in his adorable fleece bear suit (which was ENORMOUS on him). We walk (I wobbled) down the long corridor to where Paul would pull up the car. It was a gloomy, dark nonwelcoming morning. I stood in the foyer between the automatic doors with Jackson in his car seat at my feet. He had started wailing at this point and all I could do was rock his car seat with my foot because I couldn't even bend over.

Once we were sure we had the baby secured in his seat base, I did something that I always said I would never do. I climbed in the back seat with him. Before having my son, I would see one parent "chauffeuring" the other parent while they sat in the back with the baby. I guess I used to feel that it was the parent who needed that more than the baby. Of course my husband had to comment on my hypocrisy at that very moment and I remember telling him that the ride home from the hospital was an exemption! Well, that became the FIRST of my exemptions. I do ride in the back seat on the occasion that we need Jax to stay awake until we get home in his crib to fall asleep.

We came home to an empty house and placed Jax down on the floor to allow our cats a good smell of the new addition to our family. Paul immediately left us to make a prescription run for me and I did my best to stay awake. I had Jackson at 1:09am on Wednesday morning, so I didn't sleep at all that first night/morning. And I never got any good sleep when I had to nurse the baby about every 2 hours. And we all know how much a production nursing is the very first time you do it, it would take about 45min - 1 hr just to feed him. I had to hoist my severely swollen bottom onto the doughnut ring, position the boppy around me, move the hospital tray out of the way, be handed the baby and try to position him correctly, attempt to get him to latch on and STAY on, choke back the pain from my cracked, sore nipples, breathe through the uterine contractions that breastfeeding brought on. After what seemed like forever, I would pass him back to Paul. Then it was time to gather myself and make the embarrassing wobble to the bathroom while attempting desperately to hold everything that was between my legs. Another side note: my nurses made me an actual diaper filled with ice. They would cut the lining of a huggies diaper and stuff ice chunks in it and tape it back up. Because those hospital grade "twist to activate freeze pads" were completely useless, I had my nurses pack my room freezer full of these diaper/ice packs. Wonderful thing if you were destroyed down there like I was :)

AH... back to my going home story. When Paul finally arrived home, I practically crawled in our bed for a long overdue nap. I had just fed the baby so I had about 3 hours to sleep if I was lucky. I had the BEST nap of my life! I was in the deepest sleep you could imagine! It was wonderful. When I woke up, I noticed a very unfamiliar sensation. Then I realized my milk had came in while I was napping. It was ridiculous, Ladies!! Unlike anything I had ever expected. Does this picture sound like any of you shortly after you came home from the hospital?... standing in the shower laughing about all the places you were leaking? Of course I was still draining from the delivery, my boobs were out of control dripping, I was crying for probably a million different reason... it was a mess! I was a mess! I always found it funny how little detail I had received about what delivery/labor would really be like... I had received even less about post partum recovery! UGH! No one had painted that pretty little picture for me beforehand :)

Those first few days were very odd to me. My husband and I would look at Jackson, totally in awe at what God had given us and completely head over heels in love with him. I had followed my hospital chart for feedings/changings... I wasn't in tune to Jax's cues yet as he was my first child and I couldn't recognize a hungry cry from a bored cry. I had previously blogged about my breastfeeding woes, so I won't go there again. We had the baby in our room at night for about a week and half before Paul couldn't do it anymore. He is such a light sleeper and wasn't getting any sleep at night... he was working and needing to be rested. So when Jackson was only a few weeks old, he went into his crib. That first night I cried as I watched Jackson sleeping from the LCD monitor.

Realizing now, since my son is mobile, those really early weeks/months when all he really did was sleep or lay in his bouncy seat- were so easy! I should have been a lot more relaxed. I should have slept a lot more during the day. All I really did was feed/change/talk to him. Now he's crawling all over the house, I have to say "Please give that to Mommy, that's not a toy" - "Jackson, no touch - owwwaaa, no no sweetie!" LOL Ah the days when all he did was sit there :). I know I will be much MUCH more laid back with the next baby. I will have confidence to know that if I do fall asleep with the baby in the room, I will wake up to hear him cry. I will have confidence to know which cry is signalling which desire. I will have confidence to know that I am providing for my child in every way possible and that she :) is happy and content... there is nothing more I should be doing.

A Year Ago This Month

As my son's first birthday draws near, I will be taking the time to write a few posts of reflection. Recaping what has happened to my life since my son was brought into it. Many of you didn't read my blog back then. I started blogging when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to use this as a way to stay connected with my friends and family. It wasn't until my son was born that I began to explore the world of BlogLand and make new friends here. I have met wonderful people and I have enjoyed reading about all your children, marriages, faith, hardships and joys. I have prayed and cried for many of you. I "fell" into an enormous, gracious christian based community here and I am very thankful to have all of you.

A year ago this month, I was ready to go! (Ok, not ready for the actual labor, but definitely ready to meet my little man!) Being me and my Type A personality, I had my lifestyle set for baby number one by the time my 1st trimester was complete. I had the nursery painted a light spring green (adaptable to a boy or girl) and had the crib set up. I was collecting hand me down clothes and pondering over baby names.

Last September, I was wrapping up my career as a hair stylist in an upscale men's salon. I loved my job. I had met so many great people. I grew alot there. My focus wasn't on God at this point, but I certainly came out of my shell. I learned how to approach people that I didn't know. I learned how to start up conversations with the introverted types and learned how to listen and give advice when asked. I was able to make people feel good about themselves. Giving a new clean haircut was always rewarding for me.

Photo taken 33 weeks pregnant

When I had one month to go in my pregnancy, I stopped working. At this time, Paul and I had already moved to Appleton so I was making a long commute. It was only safe to stay near my hospital in those last few weeks. It was these few weeks that drove me CRAZY. I was at home with nothing to do. Sure, I went to the Y each morning for a good 25 mins of elliptical jogging and stretching. But you can only lay outside in the sun for so long before your pregnant body screams at you to get in the air conditioned house!

I was thankful to never have gotten swollen ankles/legs (despite my 8 hours a day on my feet at work) and I was feeling good. Sitting for too long would hurt my rib cage because they would dig into my enormous uterus. I always wondered where in the world my stomach and intenstines went when my baby got SO big. LOL No wonder heartburn can get so bad!

My mom knew in my last week before Jax arrived that I was in need of some company. She had taken the day off on Tuesday, Oct 21st, the day of my 39 week appt. Her and I spent the day walking at the mall and talking all things baby. She came with me to the OB for my check up and ate dinner with us that night. It this point, I was already contracting and we were on our way back to the hospital within 3 hours from leaving the check up. I had asked my mother if she wanted to be in the delivery room with me. I know this isn't everybody's cup of tea, but this is the way I looked at it... when I found out I was having a boy - I had to take a few moments to "move on" from my thoughts that I was having a girl. I was sad that I wasn't having a girl, but I was NOT unhappy that I was having a boy. (Many of you who have these simliar feelings know exactly what I mean. I have been working on a post about ir for months and haven't published it yet.) Anyways, I knew how much my mother wanted to be there to see the birth of her grandchild, to see her daughter (the child that she created), complete a circle of life by bringing her own baby into in the world. I know I would feel that way if I had a little girl. It's different with a son (more on that in my future said post). I know it meant a lot to her that she was there, I was happy she was there.

This is the beginning of my reflections over that past year. I will not relive Jackson's birth story here, as many of you have read it before :) If you are interested, you can click on the labels off to the right hand side that indicate "Jackson's Birth Story".